A little whisper

yesterday Evynn was toting around a crown made of tinsel that she got at a birthday party.  It does not really fit her head, it is falling apart, it looks like garbage and in my mind it is garbage.  Why could she not see that the other crown, the expensive one we got for her birthday is so much nicer?  Why does she think all the cheap party favor toys are SO important?  I was waiting for my sweet precious girl to walk away so I could throw away the eyesore that has been cluttering up the house for several months - knowing she would never miss it once she did not see it.

as I tossed it in the trash our sweet Savior whispered in my ear...

"Natasha, these pieces of trash that your wonderful daughter cherishes are just the same as all the grown up pieces of trash that YOU cherish.... that expensive vase you got as a wedding gift....  the beautiful bracelet your husband gave you....  your home.... your car....  all trash compared to what I have for you....Why can you not see that what I have to offer you is so much nicer?  I let you enjoy your tiny treasures.... let her enjoy hers...."

Veritcal

I think sometimes I believe that I have to love Keith and my children first because if I love God first there will not be enough love left over for them. However, the truth is just the opposite. LOVE GOD FIRST!

God's love will OVERFLOW!!!

Everything has to be vertical! Everything has to go through God first.

Do I believe that certain people are more capable, more connected, more together than I am? Was Mother Teresa? Is Michelle Duggar? Or others like them on some higher plain that I am not on and could never possibly achieve?

I would put forth that they are actually MORE BROKEN than I am.

They have realized that when their love, ALL THEIR LOVE, goes to God first what overflows is beyond anything they could create on their own. They have learned to sit at the feet of Jesus, staring into the eyes of the one they love - trusting that HIS love will be more than enough for the challenges that face them on a daily basis.

The glory of God is not seen through what these people CAN do; it is seen through what they CANNOT do and yet allow God to accomplish through them.

Each of us has the potential for this type of completely submitted, sacrificial life - following God's call to do what we know we are not capable of doing with a peace that surpasses understanding.

However, we have to move past our pride and be willing to be broken. It is only in the completely humbled position at Jesus' feet, with all our love directed to Him, where will we find that He lifts us up to the do the things we believe we are incapable of doing. And it is our complete inability to do something on our own that brings the glory to God that is His alone."

Joy in the Journey

I have been a mother for seven years now and it has been an incredible journey so far.  It has been a hard journey.  It has been a rewarding journey.  It has been a fun journey.  It is a journey I am so glad to be on.  I have made and continue to make a lot of mistakes on this journey. 

It has been a journey that I have not enjoyed nearly as much as I could have. 

Wait a minute, you have not enjoyed it?  How is that possible?  You have five children?  Why would you have had that many if you did not enjoy it.  These are all things you may be thinking right now. 

They are things that I have thought about a lot over the years.  It has taken me until the fifth child to FINALLY understand the answer to that.

Please understand – I LOVE my children.  I love them more than life itself.  Becoming a mother has given me just a little bit of insight into the enormity of the sacrifice God made in giving His son up for us, a tiny bit of insight into just how much He must love us to let His son die for me….  I would not let one of my children die for any of you.  I know that sounds harsh but it is true.  I would not choose that.  And yet that is what God chose.  THAT is how much He loves us. 

Please understand I am enormously GRATEFUL for my children.  They are a blessing from the Lord and I want each and every one of them.  I want every one of them that may still come.  I want a full quiver to aim and shoot out for the Lord. 

Please understand that I LIKE my children.  I truly like each one of them.  It is so much fun to see how different each one of them is developing; I like to sit and talk with each of them, snuggle with them, share in their victories and commiserate in their defeats.  They are mine and they are full of awesomeness.

But I have wondered, over the years, what exactly was missing.  I could not quite put my finger on it.  Then the other day I saw a picture that had the phrase “joy in the journey” on it and I knew. 

There was no joy in the journey.  I had fun, I had love but that river of joy that I knew should be the undercurrent to every day, to everything we did was missing. 

So over the last couple of months, I was praying for joy.  But it was still not there.  Again, we had fun times and I AM HAPPY.   But happy is not the same as true, deep, abiding joy.  That deep, abiding joy was missing.  And it was VERY important. 

Then we started homeschooling last week.  It is my third year to homeschool.  My first year to homeschool two children.  I was nervous about how it was going to flow but I thought surely it had to go better than last year when I was throwing up 10+ times a day while pregnant. 

It was horrible.  Awful.  I spent three days in tears.  I called Keith multiple times to tell him we need to put the children in school.  I spoke and prayed with friends.  I PRAYED A LOT.  All the while the phrase “joy in the journey” kept floating through my head.  The week ended better and I thought we were getting on track again. 

Monday rolled around and there we were again.  MISERABLE.  Joy was not even an option; I just wanted to make it through the day.  I wanted to get to a moment where I could just be done with my job…

And then it dawned on me.  I finally understood what my problem was, the problem that had robbed me of that undercurrent of joy for the past seven years. 

I looked at being a mother as a job.  A job like any other job I had had in the years before I got married and had babies.  But here is the thing.  It is not a job.  It is life.  A job has a beginning and an end each day.  There are breaks, vacations and lunches out.  With a job you get a performance reviews periodically, when you do a good job, you get a raise.  When you do not perform, you get fired.  There is usually feedback and progress, tangible goals that can be reached within reasonable amounts of time.  Even if you do not like your job, you still get the reward of a paycheck every couple of weeks to make it seem worthwhile.

For the first four years of motherhood, I arranged my life as if it were a job.  I trained my children to wake up at 7am to start my day and I trained them to nap at 1pm to give me a break.  I trained them to go to sleep at 7pm to end my day so “my life” could begin.  Time with Keith, reading, blogging, watching TV – I got to do all the things that I wanted to do and as long as things went as I planned, things were good.

But here is the thing, motherhood is not a job, it is life.  And things did not always go as planned.  Cow’s protein intolerance, ear infections, strong willed natures, pneumonia, RSV, Atypical tuberculosis and the natural course of time which leads children to stop napping & go to bed later… it all started screwing up my job schedule.  Suddenly I was working overtime.  And there was no time and a half! 

There was suddenly NO TIME FOR ME!  And it dawned on me that THIS JOB SUCKS! 

So Monday, as I was lying, curled in the fetal position on the couch crying, it dawned on me (for the first time in SEVEN YEARS – I have a very slow learning curve) motherhood is not a job – IT IS MY LIFE!  My life.  The life God gave me.  The life He called us to.  I want this life.  And I am missing much of the joy in it because I am trying to manage it like a job. 

I was too busy trying to make things run smoothly, on schedule.  I was too busy trying to get everything done in the right order at the right time.  I was too busy being selfish.

I remember, back when I was “learning how to be a mom” from parenting books before Bowden born, a book talked about the need for a schedule so that I could have that “needed me time”.  I remember the COUNTLESS times other mothers, mentors, friends and everyone else (except my husband) talked about how important it is for mothers to have “free time”… mother’s day out…. a break… I allowed myself to be brainwashed into believing that this was true. 

And it is a load of crap.

Now please here me, breaks are nice.  Breaks are good.  Everyone can use a break.  But when we base our entire existence and “happiness” on that break, we are setting ourselves up for a lot of heartbreak.  We are robbing ourselves of the joy in the journey because we are missing everything looking ahead to the break.  I have spent seven years fighting with this.  Seven years struggling with every moment that did not go on schedule.  Struggling with frustration when the break did not come when it was “supposed to”, when the job did not end on time that evening.  Pining away for some “me time”, looking at the clock and wondering when that break would come.  Missing the joy in the journey. 

Then suddenly, on Monday, God answered that prayer for me.  He made very clear what the phrase “joy in the journey” meant.  Stop working and start living.  Enjoy every moment of each day with your children.  Stop thinking of it as a job to work through each day and start living each day. 

My hear is filled with sadness right now…We have had a lot of fun times,  but … oh how much joy I have missed out on because I believed the lie that I needed “time for me”….  Because I believed that sacrificing my wants for part of the day was enough…  thank goodness Jesus did not do “just enough”… 

Joy in the journey means living ALL OUT, ALL THE TIME.   The joy, true joy, comes from true and total sacrifice.  True joy only comes when we put aside our endless, ceaseless wants that will never  really satisfy and realize that the only thing that truly satiates and brings joy is utter surrender.   It means riding on the current of sacrifice ALL THE TIME… it means live for the now – not the “when the kids go to nap…. Go to bed…  we go out alone… vacation… weekend away”  all those things are good but really, we should be living our lives as a holy and living sacrifice and that is not a job – it is life, the abundant life.  My life.  And I WANT IT.

changing

ten years ago I was interviewing for my dream job... well, I already had my dream job as  a division I softball coach but I was interviewing for one of the best coaching jobs in the country... 
How life has changed in ten years....  changed in ways I could NEVER imagined, changed in GREAT ways.

One of the great things about coaching college softball was getting to drive very cool 15 passenger vans all over the country.  Big, hard to park vans full of screaming/laughing young people.  Never in my life did I EVER think I would BUY a big van like that....

How life has changed in ten years....

Our "baby blue beast"

Let's be honest, I never saw myself as a "minivan" person.  When we outgrew our small car, we would get a cool SUV.  That changed when Keith found our very awesome Town and Country minivan.  It had leather seats and all kinds of other cool things.  I loved it.  I remember sitting at a stop light one day looking over to see two teenagers in the car next to me.  It dawned on me that I was no longer "one of them"... a young person.  I was a mom in a minivan.  That was cool with me!

We got a new car this weekend.  We have outgrown that awesome minivan.  I am no longer a "minivan person".  I am one of THOSE people.  One of those people who has so many children we have to get a ridonculous looking 12 passenger van! 

Now I will be honest, we could have gotten one of the large SUVs and still fit everyone in but then when family came to visit we would still have to take two cars everywhere and if we are blessed with another child we would have to get the van so we just skipped the SUV stage.  Keith searched long and hard to find the perfect car for our family.  He drove down to Texas and got me an AWESOME new (to us) 12 passenger van!  Now I drive a big, hard to park van full of screaming/laughing/crying  young people EVERY DAY!

I cannot lie, I am a little sad to see my minivan go.  It was so nondescript.   When we were in the van, people did not look at us and make comments wondering if we knew "how that happens", there were no rabbit factory comments while in the van.  Unless you happened to catch us getting in or out, the causal observer thought that we were just your average minivan driving family with a couple of kiddos strapped inthe back.

Now there is no denying it.  According to our cutlure, our family has become overgrown.  The Big Blue Beast draws attention to that fact.  We pull into a parking lot and people stare.  Sitting at the stop light people look over and wonder, "Church bus?  Day care?  It can't be a family, who would have THAT many children."

The "Big Blue Beast"

When we first started talking about getting a big van, a family member actually told us we should just stop having children because WHY OH WHY would you want to have to drive a 12 passenger van around?

We weren't sure if attempting to limit the size of our family should really be based on what type of car we wanted to drive around...

So here we are, owners of a Big Blue Beast.  Any small chance of blending in is long gone.  But really, we are called to be set apart, different.  It is not my goal to blend in.  It is my goal to shine glory to the Father in heaven.  It is my goal to live my life according to He who called me, He who saved me.  So now, when people see that big blue beast and all of us riding in it, when they say "you have got your hands full..."

I can say yes, full of God's blessings.

So we have given up our TV for the month of August.  The entire month.  No TV.  No movies.  No news.  No sports.

This is not just for our little ones.  Keith and I are taking a break as well.  There will be no sneaking and watching something after the little ones head off to bed. 

31 days without the big, blaring box filling the house with noise.  It is only 31 days.

So why, you ask?  Why are we giving it up?  We are giving it up because of the feeling I get when I read the sentence above.  31 days without TV.  When I decided we should do this (2 weeks ago), it seemed noble and parental.  Now, I feel like I am going to be missing out on something.  I feel like I do not know what I will do with myself or my children.  I am anxious and sad.

Seriously, anxious and SAD about not watching TV?  THAT IS A PROBLEM.

Here is the irony in this whole thing, we do NOT watch that much TV.  My children average about 30 minutes a day - meaning there are days when they watch two hours of TV and then there are days when they watch none.  But they ask for it ALL THE TIME.  It is the first question my son asks EVERY morning when he gets up and Saturday is the ONLY morning we do watch TV (on other days it is usually when I feed baby at 10:00am - not first thing).  When we do sit down to watch a cartoon, several of them actually cry when it is over and I do not turn on another one (even though we RARELY watch two and it is ALWAYS explained that there will only be ONE).  THIS IS A PROBLEM.

I watch a cooking show or something on TLC in the late afternoon on SOME days.  Keith and I do watch TV in the evenings when our little ones go to bed.  But there are no shows we MUST watch.  Let's be honest, most of it is crap. 

So why so anxious?  I realized that TV is a drug on our house.  It is a recreational drug that we use to kill time, to control moods, to relieve stress, to ease boredom.   It is just as addictive as crack or LSD.    We want it when we can't have it and when we get it some is never enough. 

As I have mentioned previously in this blog, my last pregnancy was a trying one.  I was VERY sick for a long time and I got lazy.  TV was an easy way to deal with crazy children and to zone out myself when I had a free moment.  I am MUCH better now, but habits are hard to break.   Instead of picking up a book, I reach for the remote.  And books are SO MUCH better than an old episode of House Hunters or Friends.

So I decided we need a break.  Some might ask, why not just get rid of it?  And I have one word, football.  Keith and I love love love football, especially college football.  So, when it dawned on me that the TV was really needing to be curbed (not so much in amount as I said above, it is not HUGE amounts of time, but in desire) and that Football season was right around the corner, I decided August was the month to take the plunge.

Today has been fine.  They have only asked for it one time (B, first thing this morning).  I am wondering how it will all turn out.  I am sure we will do just fine this month.  But I wonder, like any addict, will we be able to turn the TV back on and handle it?  I have some ideas about that but will spend these TV free days praying about it, seeking wisdom as to how to handle our desire for it.

Falling in Love

Do you remember when you fell in love?   I do.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  I remember wanting to spend hours and hours with my love.  I remember that burning NEED to be with my love.  I remember how I would do whatever my love wanted.  I remember wanting to spend hours and hours reading the words of love written by my love.
Do you remember when it happened to you?
I was in church on Sunday when that feeling hit me all over again.  That need to just BE WITH my love. 
We all need that.  We all need to feel that love every day.  We need to know that it is not a feeling that has to wane or subside over the course of time.
Am I talking about my husband right now?  Yes and no.  I do remember all those feelings about Keith.  I still feel them much of the time.  He is the one person on earth that I desire with all my heart.  I am PASSIONATE about him.
But in church on Sunday, it was God I was thinking about.  I was thinking about when I fell in love with Him.  When I started to understand the depths of His love for me and my heart began to open up to Him.  I was thinking about the passion I had for getting into His word, for talking with Him, for talking about Him.  I was ON FIRE for Him. 
Do not get me wrong, I still love God with all my heart and soul.  But just as many people fall into routine ho-hum in human romance, I have fallen into a ho-hum with my divine romance.
God's passion for me has not changed, I have just started taking Him for granted.  I know that He will be there so I run through my crazy days just depending on that.
I am so grateful for that little prick on Sunday.  I want my passion for God to be a FIRE IN MY SOUL!  I want Him to know I do not just take for granted all that has been given through His Son!

Agendas

I became a mother 7 years ago this month.  It seems like an eternity ago, it seems like yesterday.  Time is weird like that.
My struggle over the last seven years has been the same - the battle over who's agenda I will follow.  It started before my baby boy was born when I read Babywise (which I STILL strongly recommend).  The book fed my need for control. 

"If I do everything RIGHT the baby will do what I want it to..."

Sweet thought but it does not take into account that freewill God granted each of us back on the sixth day.

I will say, as I have started parenting my fifth child, I am much less crazed about her schedule and whether or not she eats every three hours, sleeps through the night or gets to nap at 1pm.  I have become more relaxed with each child in the area of baby things.

However, my poor, sweet son seems to deal with the brunt of my learning curve.  My hard headed desire to follow my own agenda as opposed to God's.

He is the first, which means he is the trailblazer.  The one that mommy learns on.  And mommy is a slow learner.

Each day, I have to remind myself that my agenda needs to be based in what God has called me to.  Not what I want to do.  Now, God has called me to be a keeper of my home.  That means there are some things that HAVE to get done. 

We have to eat. 

We do have to keep things relatively neat (contrary to some advice that I have gotten about just letting everything go around the house so I can play with my children all day, I do believe that in order to function smoothly a house with seven people in it has to be kept some what neat and clean). 

We have to do school (God has called us to homeschool and I cannot just ignore what that means).

However, every day I struggle with seeking God first or just doing what I want.  I struggle with what the world is calling me to and what God is calling me to.  Because all those things listed above need to come amidst following God's agenda -

And God's agenda is to teach my children about God's love for us & how to love God.  Regardless of what ANYONE says, every parent teaches their children about God (even atheists) but that is a WHOLE other blog!  My job is to seek God first every day, allow the Holy Spirit to shine through me and reflect God to my children.


So while I am "keeping my home" I need to be teaching my children of God's love.

While I am feeding my family I need to be teaching my children of God's love.

And what is the point if homeschooling if first and foremost I am not teaching them of God's love?

But some how, every day, I look away.  I let their frustrating behavior get under my skin and the reflection I give of God is twisted and distorted. 

I need to see EVERY opportunity as a chance to reflect God's love and teach of God's love.  I need to stop focusing on my agenda of "getting out the door"...

"cleaning up the playroom"...

"getting them into bed"...

...as the end goal.  The end goal should be that each encounter with my children heightens their desire to get to know God on their own.  Each encounter should draw my children to a place of desiring God because they see the attributes of God as desirable. 

So while cleaning the playroom,  making dinner or getting them to bed with clean teeth are an important parts of keeping my home (something God has called me to) it all means nothing if I cannot accomplish these things in a way that follows God's agenda. 

Seven years of motherhood and I am STILL struggling with this!  Man, I have a slow learning curve!