Know the HOPE

It has been one of those days.  A day where our need for Jesus, for a Savior, for HOPE has been screaming at me.  It started with a text informing me about a tragic loss for a family I know.  It was followed with example after example of the need for God's love.  The need for us to realize that we ARE ALL LOVED SO DEEPLY BY GOD THAT HE SENT HIS SON TO DIE FOR US.

Oddly enough none of these pictures were from my own family today (although there are many other days where that is not the case).  No, my littles were actually quite well behaved and sweet today.  But as we moved through our day I was overwhelmed with the need to make them realize their need for Christ.  Their need for the HOPE that only He can provide.

We were wandering through PetSmart today and came across a couple with a toddler looking at animals like we were.  The mother was young and sadly enough she had the telltale signs of being a meth user.  I looked at the small child in her arms and I wanted to cry.  What kind of life would that child have, with parents who struggled with drug use?  Then I glanced at the mother and I wanted to cry even more - surely when this girl was born, her mother had wanted so much more for her.  Her hope was certainly not to raise a daughter who would slip into drug addiction.

My eyes moved down to my four girls swirling about my legs as they ohhhed and ahhed at that hamsters running on the exercise wheels and I wanted to pull them to me.  I wanted to rip them away from this world that will assault them from all sides and hide them away from the pain and suffering that is waiting for them.  I wanted to stop time and just enjoy their sweet innocence.

I wanted to pray.  Pray that God would keep them safe.  Pray that God would protect them.  Pray that they would have lives filled with all sorts of goodness and be painfree.  Then I knew what I needed to pray for.  What really mattered.  A phrase my best friend uses often when talking about her teenager.  I needed to pray that Jesus would capture their hearts.

Capture their hearts.  That He would hold their hearts in His hand and they would never want Him to let it go.  I need to pray that they would know and understand (as much as we humans possibly can) the HOPE that is in Him.  That HOPE can only come through Him.

That they would know the HOPE, that they would believe the HOPE, that they would trust the HOPE that comes through Christ JESUS.

Because here is the reality that I saw time and time again today.  Life is hard.  This is a cruel world filled with fallen people who will hurt us constantly - sometimes on purpose, sometimes accidentally.  But hurt is hurt.  I can be the best mother in the world but nothing will give my children the strength they need to survive this world with a peace beyond understand (Phil 4:6-7) other than the HOPE of Jesus Christ.

I spend a lot of time praying for my children.  I pray for their salvation, their well being & safety, their purpose, I pray that they will follow God's path and be used by Him, I pray that they will be happy and joyful.  And some of these prayers will be answered exactly the way I want them to be.  But some of them....  well some of them, God will answer in unexpected and painful ways.  And the only way I can expect my children to come through this life being able to rest in the peace of God's promises is if the know the HOPE ...

The reality is, just as God gave Adam and Eve the freedom to make the first mistake in the garden, my children have that same freedom.  They will make mistakes.  Bad grades, bad friend choices, car accidents, drinking.... They will makes mistakes.  Unwed pregnancy, drug use, lying, stealing... They will make mistakes... Rebellion, fighting, gossiping, bullying... Some mistakes will be recoverable.  Some mistakes will not.  Some mistakes will make tiny waves that leave little damage.  Some mistakes will be hurricanes that will destroy everything in its' path.

My children NEED Christ.  They NEED to know how much God loves them.  I tell them all the time that God loves them more than I do but they do not understand this.  How could they?  How can I?  I would never (let me repeat that, NEVER) let one of my children die for any of you.  EVER.  If letting one of them die meant you could live - sorry, I would not do it.  But here is the thing, I do not love you the way God does.  No one loves you (or me, or my children) the way God does.  It is incomprehensible.

Unable to comprehend.  A love so enormous that we cannot come close to ever understanding it.  And yet I need my children to know this love.  How?  Jesus has got to capture their hearts.

They are not my own, these children whom I bore, who live with me each day, who I am trying my best to train and raise.  They are His.  And He wants them back.

I have to quit thinking about how I can control them, how I can give them the perfect life with organic recipes found on Pinterest, bought in farmer's markets, that we can do crafts and have pizza family fun nights, that the house can be organized and run perfectly and all this will draw them to Christ.  I have to quit thinking that life needs to be perfect and that perfect will bring them to Christ.  Christ came for the broken.

If Christ is love, the love, the HOPE that I want my children to know, then don't I have to help them to realize that it is in the broken places that they will find Christ?  Our goal cannot and should not be perfection.  

They are His and He wants them back.

He does not want perfect people who have no need for Him.  I have been weighed down by my need for Christ today.  I have cried hard tears today, tears for a family trying to recover from a horrible loss, tears for a family struggling with a wayward child, tears for a family struggling with a dying child... and yet in those tears I KNOW THE HOPE.  I was sad, I was burdened but I was never without HOPE.  But my heart is broken for those who do not know that HOPE.

They are His and He wants them back.

And the only way He will get them back if if they know the HOPE, believe the HOPE, trust the HOPE.  So instead of trying to raise perfect children who know no sadness, suffering or loss I will try to raise children children who are able to see Christ in the broken places and know that He is the only HOPE that will lift them from those valleys.

As I sit here, I pray, God give me words.  You have given me some great words in the past.  Your words, not mine.  Words that have called me to a higher place.  Words that have rocked my world, words that have warmed my heart, words that have dug into those dark places I do not want anyone to see.

But I have not had many words lately.  Not in the past several months.  I have said it was because I have just been too busy being a wife, too busy training my children, too busy homeschooling my children, too busy being a friend, too busy being a Bible study leader....  too busy to get into His word, too busy to be with Him, too busy to hear His word ...

These are all things He has called me to...  This is the purpose He has planned for my life.  I know this with certainty.  I love my life.  And yet, I miss His words.

So I have to ask myself, would He have called me to something that would pull me away from Him?  Or am I just making excuses, listening to that wily serpent who would speak through the mouths of those who "know better"... that this time of my life is just too full to really feel "pressured" and "guilted" to spend time in the Word.

God wants me to pursue the purpose He has laid out for me but more than that, He wants me to pursue Him.  Pursuing the purpose but not the Creator just leads to tired, frustration.  Pursuing Him means I need to BE IN THE WORD, daily.  Pursuing Him means I need to meet Him in PRAYER by the hour, by the minute....  His words are there, I was just not hearing them because I was so busy pursuing His purpose that I was not stopping to spend time with Him.

There have been times in my ten years as a Christ follower that I have stumbled through parts of the Old Testament, wondering why should I read this?  Let's get the good stuff, the Good News....  But this year I started a Bible reading program with my church and have been working through the OT.  Two people really stood out to me - the first was Lot's wife.  I feel, at times, that I am like Lot's wife.  Especially with homeschooling.  God has called me to this difficult path of educating my children and I have started down the path. However, there are days, long, painful days, when I find that I have stopped.  I stop and look back at what that other life was...  I do not really like the fact that of all the women in Genesis, I relate to the woman who was turned to a pillar of salt.  But that is what I have felt like during this school year - a pillar of salt - frozen looking back at place God has called me out of thinking that has got to be better than the scary unknown of where we are going.

And the other person?  Jacob.  Jacob in the tent the night before he meets up with his brother to whom he did so wrong.  Jacob who stayed up all night wrestling with God.  Jacob, who wrestled so fiercely with God that his hip was finally popped.  I feel like I have spent an enormous amount of time fighting with God.  I can imagine Jacob, that night before seeing his brother, practically crippled with fear, fear of the future, worrying about what was going to happen, completely ignoring the words God had spoken to Him - something along the lines of "go home, I've got your back".  I read that and wondered "What is wrong with this guy?  God SPOKE TO HIM!"  I would not need to worry if God spoke to me like that.

But then it dawns on me.  God does speak to me...  or He would, if I would pick up my Bible... get down on my knees in prayer.  Instead, I lay in my metaphorical tent, worrying about everything.  Wrestling with the Truth instead of just submitting and saying "I TRUST YOU!"

I love His Word, I love His Spirit, I love Him.  Seek and we will find.  A friend told me last night that it is ridiculous for women who are in the trenches of motherhood... night feedings, potty training, temper tantrums... the list goes on and on...to believe the lie that we are just to busy to get into the Word.  I do not think we should wield that hatchet of guilt around about this but the reality if there is anyone who needs to be in the word of God, it is the mother in the trenches.  This year, I have stopped looking back and started looking at Him.  My prayer?  That I will love Him.  That I will be consumed with Him.  That everything in my life with others would simply be an overflow of the abundance of God.

She came to me early in the morning.

Bright and smiling, ready for her day of celebration.

She crawled in bed with me and was suddenly serious, "Mommy, what if one of the tea cups breaks?"

I smiled.  That is okay, accidents happen.

"But what if Macyn crawls over and gets some of the broken peaces?"

Sweet girl.  It will be okay, we will not let it happen.

"Well, I have been thinking and we should put Macyn in the bouncer so she will be okay."

My precious girl, even on her birthday, thinking about her baby sister!  What a fun day to celebrate six beautiful years.  What a blessing God brought in to my life with my wonderful daughter!

Evynn Kelley Jones

On my heart every year....

 *This is a repost*

Naughty or Nice

First, before you decide that I am a nut, please understand that I am all about celebrating Christmas with all its' trappings! A blog (http://www.preschoolersandpeace.com/?p=1270) gave the best thoughts on this I have ever read. I am going to paraphrase but I really recommend going to the site and reading it yourself... Christians really should go all out in celebrating Christmas. We understand the truth of what The Gift was all about. That baby brought to earth the gift of salvation and eternal life, the abundant life. As Christians, we should be all about having a great big party to celebrate this. We should decorate, give gifts and have a great feast (the Old Testament is all about feasts!). Throughout it all, we need to be celebrating the The Gift. When we make Christ the center of the celebration, there is nothing wrong with having a big celebration.

With that said though, there is a part of the Christmas celebration that has been weighing heavy on my heart & it is represented in the Elf on the Shelf. I had an elf on my shelf. As I looked at it each day, thoughts just kept pricking at me. Whether you are a follower of Jesus Christ or not, there is something about this elf that creates issues for parents that cannot be denied. It may seem like holiday fun but as he looked at me each day from a new location around my house, I realized he represented deeper issues.

As far as training children, the first and most important thing every parenting expert and layman alike talks about is consistency. If you want your children to obey than you must be consistent. If you say something, than you must follow through. Once the child realizes that mom and dad do not really mean what they say (or that they do not mean it until the third, or fourth, or fifth time...) than any hope for true obedience is lost.

So let's talk about this whole naughty or nice thing. Children hear nothing else from Thanksgiving on other than "be good or Santa will not bring you any presents". And now there is this little elf that sits around the house, ready to let Santa know about any naughtiness that may be going on, ready to make sure naughty little ones will get no gifts.

Really? I mean. REALLY? Have you ever denied your children Christmas presents because he/she was naughty? Sure, I have heard a tale or two of someone getting coal in their stalking. I have never heard of a child getting absolutely nothing due to naughty behavior. And let's be honest - all children are naughty in one way or another & even if we only count the time between Thanksgiving & Christmas, I feel fairly certain most, if not every child, would be gettin' nuthin' for Christmas!

And really, what does naughty mean? Children will take this vague term & run wild with it.

Does pushing brother down count as naughty.... nope. COOL!

Does stealing sister's toys count....nope. Even more cool!

How about speaking rudely to mommy?

Not doing my chores....

Acting out at school....

Little ones will try to get away with as much as we will let them and once they figure out that the naughty/nice thing is not really set in stone, it really offers little behavior control and simply teaches our children that mommy and daddy do not mean what they say. So if you are ready to tell you children exactly what you mean by "naughty" and then enforce it without fail, by all means put that elf on your shelf & enjoy it. I struggle enough on my own enforcing the hard realities of discipline. I certainly do not need to set myself up for the reality that one (or more) of my children will be naughty, forcing me to deny them the joy of Christmas morning in order to abide by the most important principle of parenting - consistency.

This leads me to the bigger issue of the naughty/nice debate if you are a follower of Jesus Christ. As I looked at that elf on my shelf, it dawned on me that everything the elf represents goes against everything this incredible celebration is about -

Romans 5:8 tells us "While we were still sinners, Christ dies for us..."

God did not sit in heaven and say "If you are nice, I will send my Son." If we were nice, we would not have needed His son. He sent the gift of His Son because HE LOVES US. Just like we give Christmas gifts to our children even when they have been naughty BECAUSE WE LOVE THEM.

Naughty & Nice has cluttered up this holiday. And there are a lot of Christian families who have gotten caught up in that clutter. God loves us. Experiencing His love ignites the fire of obedience. Sure, that elf on my shelf may inspire short term obedience from my children but that obedience will last only as long as the desire for the toy lasts. However, it certainly does not teach our children ANYTHING about God's love. As believers, that is what we should be teaching our children during Christmas. It is not about obedience. It is about LOVE.

For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. John 3:16

As a parent, I have taken this incredible Gift and used the celebration of it to teach my children bad theology. God's Gift is not about how good we can be... God's Gift came because HE LOVES US, even while we are unlovable. And if I think that this little bit of holiday fun will not shape them and the way they think, I am just lying to myself.

How about I spend this Christmas season telling my children about the MIRACLE that God sent His Son even though no one deserved it?

How about I spend this Christmas season letting my children experience the true joy of anticipating the coming gifts without fear of not getting them because they just weren't good enough?

How about I spend the Christmas season disciplining my children just as I always do, instead of relying on an empty threat seemingly enforced by a little stuffed toy? A read through the Old Testament shows us that God disciplined the Israelites while they waited for the gift of the messiah. There were plenty of consequences for their bad actions, but God never said, "Sorry, you have been too naughty so I am not giving you the gift of the Savior right now." And He NEVER threatened to not send the Gift in order to get the Israelites to obey.

So, I have struggled through the realities of what this little elf has revealed to me. I mean, really, isn't it all in the name of holiday fun? Is it really THAT big of a deal? But then it hit me that YES, it IS that big of a deal. Beyond setting myself up to fail in the area of discipline because I will NEVER wake up Christmas morning & not give my little ones gifts, I am denying my children the opportunity to experience the TRUE JOY of Christmas - celebrating several weeks of anticipating the gifts that are guaranteed to come just because Keith & I love them, just like the Gift of Salvation that God guaranteed would come just because HE LOVES US

A little whisper

yesterday Evynn was toting around a crown made of tinsel that she got at a birthday party.  It does not really fit her head, it is falling apart, it looks like garbage and in my mind it is garbage.  Why could she not see that the other crown, the expensive one we got for her birthday is so much nicer?  Why does she think all the cheap party favor toys are SO important?  I was waiting for my sweet precious girl to walk away so I could throw away the eyesore that has been cluttering up the house for several months - knowing she would never miss it once she did not see it.

as I tossed it in the trash our sweet Savior whispered in my ear...

"Natasha, these pieces of trash that your wonderful daughter cherishes are just the same as all the grown up pieces of trash that YOU cherish.... that expensive vase you got as a wedding gift....  the beautiful bracelet your husband gave you....  your home.... your car....  all trash compared to what I have for you....Why can you not see that what I have to offer you is so much nicer?  I let you enjoy your tiny treasures.... let her enjoy hers...."

Veritcal

I think sometimes I believe that I have to love Keith and my children first because if I love God first there will not be enough love left over for them. However, the truth is just the opposite. LOVE GOD FIRST!

God's love will OVERFLOW!!!

Everything has to be vertical! Everything has to go through God first.

Do I believe that certain people are more capable, more connected, more together than I am? Was Mother Teresa? Is Michelle Duggar? Or others like them on some higher plain that I am not on and could never possibly achieve?

I would put forth that they are actually MORE BROKEN than I am.

They have realized that when their love, ALL THEIR LOVE, goes to God first what overflows is beyond anything they could create on their own. They have learned to sit at the feet of Jesus, staring into the eyes of the one they love - trusting that HIS love will be more than enough for the challenges that face them on a daily basis.

The glory of God is not seen through what these people CAN do; it is seen through what they CANNOT do and yet allow God to accomplish through them.

Each of us has the potential for this type of completely submitted, sacrificial life - following God's call to do what we know we are not capable of doing with a peace that surpasses understanding.

However, we have to move past our pride and be willing to be broken. It is only in the completely humbled position at Jesus' feet, with all our love directed to Him, where will we find that He lifts us up to the do the things we believe we are incapable of doing. And it is our complete inability to do something on our own that brings the glory to God that is His alone."

Joy in the Journey

I have been a mother for seven years now and it has been an incredible journey so far.  It has been a hard journey.  It has been a rewarding journey.  It has been a fun journey.  It is a journey I am so glad to be on.  I have made and continue to make a lot of mistakes on this journey. 

It has been a journey that I have not enjoyed nearly as much as I could have. 

Wait a minute, you have not enjoyed it?  How is that possible?  You have five children?  Why would you have had that many if you did not enjoy it.  These are all things you may be thinking right now. 

They are things that I have thought about a lot over the years.  It has taken me until the fifth child to FINALLY understand the answer to that.

Please understand – I LOVE my children.  I love them more than life itself.  Becoming a mother has given me just a little bit of insight into the enormity of the sacrifice God made in giving His son up for us, a tiny bit of insight into just how much He must love us to let His son die for me….  I would not let one of my children die for any of you.  I know that sounds harsh but it is true.  I would not choose that.  And yet that is what God chose.  THAT is how much He loves us. 

Please understand I am enormously GRATEFUL for my children.  They are a blessing from the Lord and I want each and every one of them.  I want every one of them that may still come.  I want a full quiver to aim and shoot out for the Lord. 

Please understand that I LIKE my children.  I truly like each one of them.  It is so much fun to see how different each one of them is developing; I like to sit and talk with each of them, snuggle with them, share in their victories and commiserate in their defeats.  They are mine and they are full of awesomeness.

But I have wondered, over the years, what exactly was missing.  I could not quite put my finger on it.  Then the other day I saw a picture that had the phrase “joy in the journey” on it and I knew. 

There was no joy in the journey.  I had fun, I had love but that river of joy that I knew should be the undercurrent to every day, to everything we did was missing. 

So over the last couple of months, I was praying for joy.  But it was still not there.  Again, we had fun times and I AM HAPPY.   But happy is not the same as true, deep, abiding joy.  That deep, abiding joy was missing.  And it was VERY important. 

Then we started homeschooling last week.  It is my third year to homeschool.  My first year to homeschool two children.  I was nervous about how it was going to flow but I thought surely it had to go better than last year when I was throwing up 10+ times a day while pregnant. 

It was horrible.  Awful.  I spent three days in tears.  I called Keith multiple times to tell him we need to put the children in school.  I spoke and prayed with friends.  I PRAYED A LOT.  All the while the phrase “joy in the journey” kept floating through my head.  The week ended better and I thought we were getting on track again. 

Monday rolled around and there we were again.  MISERABLE.  Joy was not even an option; I just wanted to make it through the day.  I wanted to get to a moment where I could just be done with my job…

And then it dawned on me.  I finally understood what my problem was, the problem that had robbed me of that undercurrent of joy for the past seven years. 

I looked at being a mother as a job.  A job like any other job I had had in the years before I got married and had babies.  But here is the thing.  It is not a job.  It is life.  A job has a beginning and an end each day.  There are breaks, vacations and lunches out.  With a job you get a performance reviews periodically, when you do a good job, you get a raise.  When you do not perform, you get fired.  There is usually feedback and progress, tangible goals that can be reached within reasonable amounts of time.  Even if you do not like your job, you still get the reward of a paycheck every couple of weeks to make it seem worthwhile.

For the first four years of motherhood, I arranged my life as if it were a job.  I trained my children to wake up at 7am to start my day and I trained them to nap at 1pm to give me a break.  I trained them to go to sleep at 7pm to end my day so “my life” could begin.  Time with Keith, reading, blogging, watching TV – I got to do all the things that I wanted to do and as long as things went as I planned, things were good.

But here is the thing, motherhood is not a job, it is life.  And things did not always go as planned.  Cow’s protein intolerance, ear infections, strong willed natures, pneumonia, RSV, Atypical tuberculosis and the natural course of time which leads children to stop napping & go to bed later… it all started screwing up my job schedule.  Suddenly I was working overtime.  And there was no time and a half! 

There was suddenly NO TIME FOR ME!  And it dawned on me that THIS JOB SUCKS! 

So Monday, as I was lying, curled in the fetal position on the couch crying, it dawned on me (for the first time in SEVEN YEARS – I have a very slow learning curve) motherhood is not a job – IT IS MY LIFE!  My life.  The life God gave me.  The life He called us to.  I want this life.  And I am missing much of the joy in it because I am trying to manage it like a job. 

I was too busy trying to make things run smoothly, on schedule.  I was too busy trying to get everything done in the right order at the right time.  I was too busy being selfish.

I remember, back when I was “learning how to be a mom” from parenting books before Bowden born, a book talked about the need for a schedule so that I could have that “needed me time”.  I remember the COUNTLESS times other mothers, mentors, friends and everyone else (except my husband) talked about how important it is for mothers to have “free time”… mother’s day out…. a break… I allowed myself to be brainwashed into believing that this was true. 

And it is a load of crap.

Now please here me, breaks are nice.  Breaks are good.  Everyone can use a break.  But when we base our entire existence and “happiness” on that break, we are setting ourselves up for a lot of heartbreak.  We are robbing ourselves of the joy in the journey because we are missing everything looking ahead to the break.  I have spent seven years fighting with this.  Seven years struggling with every moment that did not go on schedule.  Struggling with frustration when the break did not come when it was “supposed to”, when the job did not end on time that evening.  Pining away for some “me time”, looking at the clock and wondering when that break would come.  Missing the joy in the journey. 

Then suddenly, on Monday, God answered that prayer for me.  He made very clear what the phrase “joy in the journey” meant.  Stop working and start living.  Enjoy every moment of each day with your children.  Stop thinking of it as a job to work through each day and start living each day. 

My hear is filled with sadness right now…We have had a lot of fun times,  but … oh how much joy I have missed out on because I believed the lie that I needed “time for me”….  Because I believed that sacrificing my wants for part of the day was enough…  thank goodness Jesus did not do “just enough”… 

Joy in the journey means living ALL OUT, ALL THE TIME.   The joy, true joy, comes from true and total sacrifice.  True joy only comes when we put aside our endless, ceaseless wants that will never  really satisfy and realize that the only thing that truly satiates and brings joy is utter surrender.   It means riding on the current of sacrifice ALL THE TIME… it means live for the now – not the “when the kids go to nap…. Go to bed…  we go out alone… vacation… weekend away”  all those things are good but really, we should be living our lives as a holy and living sacrifice and that is not a job – it is life, the abundant life.  My life.  And I WANT IT.