5 years

I have been a mother for 5 years. I cannot believe that it has been five years. I look at Bowden and I am in awe of what started out as just a tiny little lump not so long ago....
I remember that day as being very surreal. Almost like I was watching a movie. I was not prepared to be a mother in any way. I can say that God is shaping and molding me every minute this precious child is in my life.
Perhaps the biggest lesson I have learned is how transient EVERY stage is. With Bowden, I always felt like every hard part was going to stay that way forever. He was never going to sleep through the night. We were never going to be able to walk into Kroger without screaming about the trains. He was never going to get himself dressed. He was going to be swaddled until he went to college and then I would have to teach his roommate how to do it....

But then, one day I will look around and notice that the thing that seemed like so much drama for so long is no longer an issue.




I have learned to let loose and not be so adamant about scheduling. I am learning that I do not have to be in control all the time. I am learning about how much God loves me as I think about how much I love this little bit of sunshine.
Bowden is headstrong, heartfelt, defiant & opinionated. He is loving, afraid of spiders and talkative. He is not afraid to tell you he loves you. He is not afraid to remind you "not to say stupid".



He prays to God to help him be brave when he has to go upstairs by himself to get something and it is dark. He spent the last three years since learning to talk telling me that he does NOT want to go to heaven and then just a couple of weeks ago told me he loves God just as much as his heart will let him. He wants what he wants and he wants it now. The first real word he learned to say was patience.... He loves his sisters and shows them all the time. He is a gift from heaven and I thank God for him EVERY day!!!!

Looking back

Last night I was reading through some of my old blogs from my Xanga site and several things came to mind. First, I need to find a way to print those as there are some sweet memories transcribed., Second, I used to blog A LOT more than I do now. Third, I am still struggling with many of the same things now that I was struggling with back then. The two biggest issues being how to be the mother God desires me to be and how to honor God without resources.
Sometimes I am overwhelmed with the enormous responsibilty of being a mother to these four children. Not only is it my job to train up these children in the ways of the Lord but in many ways they will see me as the reflection of God to them. Am I a mother who is filled with grace and love or am I short tempered and angery?
As I was reading over almost three years of blogging, I can say that I have improved in many areas of my mothering. I am much more flexible. I do not let my entire day fall apart when naptime does not go as planned. However, I think I have a shorter temper now than I used to. My children are no different now than they were then (a little older but still testing boundries) but I think I have developed some false expectations. I think I expect them to behave well all the time because I have told them what to do.... Now that is funny. I know the right way to behave and I do not do it all the time! So with these false expectations, I put them in situations where I think they should excel and they do not and then I get mad. The problem is not with them. It is with me. My perspective needs to change.

I would love to write more but my Little Bit is upstairs screaming. Let me just say, I love being able to look back and see where I have come from, seeing areas where I am drawing closer to God and areas where I have fallen a little further away. It is my desire to sink into Him completely, to allow Him to wipe away all of my own agendas and expectations and rest in His plans for my life.

Random thoughts

Some random thoughts for the weekend...
First - I AM CRAZY!!! I thought that taking my four children to church, then to a party to celebrate Jennifer's son Joshua's baby dedication AND THEN going to Children's Place might be a good idea ( by myself, since Keith is training potential foster parents with The CALL.) All before naptime... Let me say, it could have been A LOT worse. Really, the only one who had a breakdown was Kailyn. And really, that was because she was VERY tired and wanted some sparkly shoes (flipflops with sparkles on them) like Evynn was getting. Bowden and Evynn were VERY well behaved. But I was chuckling to myself as I was strapping all four back into the car... why do I do things like this?

Second - WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? Yesterday, I took the four crazies to Krispy Kreme to make up for the fact that swim practice was cancelled. I had managed to get all four up, out the door and to the pool before 9am only to find that the coaches were not there and the lifeguard had called in sick so the volunteers could not run the practice. My children and I have gone to KK many times before and always had a nice time sitting, eating donuts and talking. Well it seems that KK has decided that we need TVs to entertain ourselves while eating there. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Why? Why do we need to have TVs everywhere we go? So instead of having a nice time with my children, I spent the time asking them to quit watching TV and eat their donuts. If I had wanted them to veg out in front of TV I would have eaten at home! Have we drifted so far down the gutter in our culture that people have to be zombies even when we go out to eat?

Next... I have come to realize that most of the things I correct my children for on a continual basis are things that I ALWAYS to... I am short tempered, I get angry when I do not get my way, I struggle with obedience, I roll my eyes and have a rude tone of voice.... the list could go on and on. God really convicted me this morning in church that I need to spend less time correcting the children and more time changing the things that I am doing. I am praying that God will continue to reveal the hipocracy in my life.

One more thing.... God was also speaking to me this morning on our focus. I can get so caught up in how I think things should be that I get stressed out and frustrated. But God has promised life and not just life but an abundant life. I used to look at peaceful Christians and think that these people were either faking or nuts but I realized this morning that maybe they are not. Maybe they have learned the key to the abundant life. Maybe they have learned how to be amidst the storm but not get windblown. This is what God wants for me. He wants me to be peaceful despite the circumstances, and not just in the big issues but in the every day issues.

Just some thoughts.....

Feelings

Let's talk about feelings a little bit. You know, those things that lead us to get married, make and break friendships, yell, smile, laugh, cry. The thing I hear most often is that we cannot or maybe even should not control our feelings. How many times have we heard about someone divorcing because they "fell out of love" and "fell into love" with someone else? I do not question the power of emotions. They can bring great pleasure but they can also bring great pain and when left to run rampant in our lives without the leading of the Holy Spirit, they control us, leading to heartache and pain.
Two good examples from my day today...
1. We were getting reading to go to the library to get some books for the little ones. Suddenly a pitcher fell off the top of the fridge, shattering ACROSS the kitchen, spreading with it my breakfast drink. Chocolate drink was dripping from one end of the kitchen to the other and into the laundry room and mixed in with it were little shards of glass. Great! My heart wanted to scream out in anger. I had to corral the little ones and figure out the best way to clean up the mess. I paused, I took a deep breath and I prayed for control - I got it. The little ones played peacefully until the mess was gone and off we went to the library.
Example #2 - One of my little ones has been having a tough time lately. Not obeying, talking back, stealing toys, not able to share, screaming when not getting his/her way. After the trip to the library, several things occurred in succession involving each one of the three older children being naughty. I had to get up from nursing and discipline one, I had to take library books away.... just little things that kept building up against my nerves. I was FEELING frustrated. Then the one who has been struggling lately acted out, threw a fit and topped it off with telling me NO is a rather forceful way. I disciplined this child in anger. I was ANGRY and I DESERVED to be. I was RIGHT.
There was no pause, no deep breath. No seeking of the Holy Spirit. Did the child learn a lesson? Sure, but not the right one. This child learned that when we get mad, it is okay to yell. Isn't that what this little one was getting in trouble for in the first place?
Too often people run with the emotion of the moment and then are left to deal with the repercussion down the road.
It is not just angry type emotions that can get us into trouble. Imagine that you are having fun doing an activity but there are things to be done (like working or cooking a meal to eat) if you decide to follow the good emotion and continue doing what "feels" good, you could very well lose your job and have nothing to eat! People get a lot of joy from buying things, but if you continue to pursue this activity without thought, you will soon find yourself deep in debt.
Whether the emotion is negative or positive, God desires us to control them. He knows that we are easily moved by our emotions and He has given us the powerful Holy Spirit to help us!
Imagine what the world would be like if we would all pause when we were on the brink (or in the middle of) experiencing deep emotions and asked the Holy Spirit to guide us. I am sure there would be a lot less heartache all around!

Random thoughts on daily life

Have you ever noticed how little ones play? They adapt so easily. Our neighbors have their grandchildren for the week and my little ones have been playing with theirs all morning. The older children have NO problem slowing down and playing with toys that the younger ones play with. I love this. A ten year old boy playing with Bowden's Thomas trains! So sweet!

With my "big" ones playing with the nieghbors, Kailyn and I have spent the day hanging out. We played playdough, she ate lunch running around the kitchen and we played chase all through the house before naptime. All things that she would not get to do if the big ones were here! It is sweet to have some special time with her.

The start of homeschool Bowden looms closer each day. We are going to Florida for Keith's 20 year reunion at the end of July and then school will officially start the first full week of August. Of course, keep in mind the pool will still be opne and the Farmer's Market will be running (and since swim team will be over we will be able to go again) so school will be on a smaller scale until Spetpember. I am more and more excited each day. I know in my heart that this is what God has called our family to and I know that He will be faithful through it all.

Not too much else today. just enjoying a peaceful naptime with the girls upstairs sleeping and Bowden at the neighbor's house!!!

Summer

Well, it is summer and I am in the process of trying to find some time to blog. I used to do it most every day and now I really have little time to do it and when I do, I have little energy!!! I think I have become a lazy internet person and rely on quippy status updates on Facebook. It is funny because many of my friends who started me on this blogging thing blog less than I do, I think that all our children are getting older and we do not have the peaceful nap time to fill with internet stuff!!!

Life is good, and crazy. Bowden will be FIVE on July 21st!!!! I cannot believe it. Transitioning to four children has gone smoothly. Ryen is a very easy baby.

Evynn is growing each day and is still as sassy as ever - perhaps we should not have given her that nickname when she was a little baby!!!

Perhaps the most fun thing going on is Kailyn learning to talk! It is so sweet and funny!!!! Her newest phrase is "Bowden (or Evynn) hit me". So much fun!!!!

I am getting ready to start homeschooling Bowden this fall, well August really. I am nervous and excited all at the same time! It is my hope to update the blog more often and chronicle the ups, downs and highlights.

We are going to start a kindergarden curriculum call My Father's World. We will add a phonics program, I am thinking about Sing, Spell, Read and Write. It is a little spendy but I have heard good things about it. I am putting thought into what our daily schedule will look like. Bowden will also do a once a week program for homeschoolers called Comm Central. I had thought about signing Evynn up as well but dedided it might be nice for her to have one morning a week where she was the oldest.

That is about it for now!!

Tea Party on the deck!

So I am making the transition to blogger. I am not sure if it is even worth it since I never seem to have the time or energy to blog.