She came to me early in the morning.

Bright and smiling, ready for her day of celebration.

She crawled in bed with me and was suddenly serious, "Mommy, what if one of the tea cups breaks?"

I smiled.  That is okay, accidents happen.

"But what if Macyn crawls over and gets some of the broken peaces?"

Sweet girl.  It will be okay, we will not let it happen.

"Well, I have been thinking and we should put Macyn in the bouncer so she will be okay."

My precious girl, even on her birthday, thinking about her baby sister!  What a fun day to celebrate six beautiful years.  What a blessing God brought in to my life with my wonderful daughter!

Evynn Kelley Jones

On my heart every year....

 *This is a repost*

Naughty or Nice

First, before you decide that I am a nut, please understand that I am all about celebrating Christmas with all its' trappings! A blog (http://www.preschoolersandpeace.com/?p=1270) gave the best thoughts on this I have ever read. I am going to paraphrase but I really recommend going to the site and reading it yourself... Christians really should go all out in celebrating Christmas. We understand the truth of what The Gift was all about. That baby brought to earth the gift of salvation and eternal life, the abundant life. As Christians, we should be all about having a great big party to celebrate this. We should decorate, give gifts and have a great feast (the Old Testament is all about feasts!). Throughout it all, we need to be celebrating the The Gift. When we make Christ the center of the celebration, there is nothing wrong with having a big celebration.

With that said though, there is a part of the Christmas celebration that has been weighing heavy on my heart & it is represented in the Elf on the Shelf. I had an elf on my shelf. As I looked at it each day, thoughts just kept pricking at me. Whether you are a follower of Jesus Christ or not, there is something about this elf that creates issues for parents that cannot be denied. It may seem like holiday fun but as he looked at me each day from a new location around my house, I realized he represented deeper issues.

As far as training children, the first and most important thing every parenting expert and layman alike talks about is consistency. If you want your children to obey than you must be consistent. If you say something, than you must follow through. Once the child realizes that mom and dad do not really mean what they say (or that they do not mean it until the third, or fourth, or fifth time...) than any hope for true obedience is lost.

So let's talk about this whole naughty or nice thing. Children hear nothing else from Thanksgiving on other than "be good or Santa will not bring you any presents". And now there is this little elf that sits around the house, ready to let Santa know about any naughtiness that may be going on, ready to make sure naughty little ones will get no gifts.

Really? I mean. REALLY? Have you ever denied your children Christmas presents because he/she was naughty? Sure, I have heard a tale or two of someone getting coal in their stalking. I have never heard of a child getting absolutely nothing due to naughty behavior. And let's be honest - all children are naughty in one way or another & even if we only count the time between Thanksgiving & Christmas, I feel fairly certain most, if not every child, would be gettin' nuthin' for Christmas!

And really, what does naughty mean? Children will take this vague term & run wild with it.

Does pushing brother down count as naughty.... nope. COOL!

Does stealing sister's toys count....nope. Even more cool!

How about speaking rudely to mommy?

Not doing my chores....

Acting out at school....

Little ones will try to get away with as much as we will let them and once they figure out that the naughty/nice thing is not really set in stone, it really offers little behavior control and simply teaches our children that mommy and daddy do not mean what they say. So if you are ready to tell you children exactly what you mean by "naughty" and then enforce it without fail, by all means put that elf on your shelf & enjoy it. I struggle enough on my own enforcing the hard realities of discipline. I certainly do not need to set myself up for the reality that one (or more) of my children will be naughty, forcing me to deny them the joy of Christmas morning in order to abide by the most important principle of parenting - consistency.

This leads me to the bigger issue of the naughty/nice debate if you are a follower of Jesus Christ. As I looked at that elf on my shelf, it dawned on me that everything the elf represents goes against everything this incredible celebration is about -

Romans 5:8 tells us "While we were still sinners, Christ dies for us..."

God did not sit in heaven and say "If you are nice, I will send my Son." If we were nice, we would not have needed His son. He sent the gift of His Son because HE LOVES US. Just like we give Christmas gifts to our children even when they have been naughty BECAUSE WE LOVE THEM.

Naughty & Nice has cluttered up this holiday. And there are a lot of Christian families who have gotten caught up in that clutter. God loves us. Experiencing His love ignites the fire of obedience. Sure, that elf on my shelf may inspire short term obedience from my children but that obedience will last only as long as the desire for the toy lasts. However, it certainly does not teach our children ANYTHING about God's love. As believers, that is what we should be teaching our children during Christmas. It is not about obedience. It is about LOVE.

For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. John 3:16

As a parent, I have taken this incredible Gift and used the celebration of it to teach my children bad theology. God's Gift is not about how good we can be... God's Gift came because HE LOVES US, even while we are unlovable. And if I think that this little bit of holiday fun will not shape them and the way they think, I am just lying to myself.

How about I spend this Christmas season telling my children about the MIRACLE that God sent His Son even though no one deserved it?

How about I spend this Christmas season letting my children experience the true joy of anticipating the coming gifts without fear of not getting them because they just weren't good enough?

How about I spend the Christmas season disciplining my children just as I always do, instead of relying on an empty threat seemingly enforced by a little stuffed toy? A read through the Old Testament shows us that God disciplined the Israelites while they waited for the gift of the messiah. There were plenty of consequences for their bad actions, but God never said, "Sorry, you have been too naughty so I am not giving you the gift of the Savior right now." And He NEVER threatened to not send the Gift in order to get the Israelites to obey.

So, I have struggled through the realities of what this little elf has revealed to me. I mean, really, isn't it all in the name of holiday fun? Is it really THAT big of a deal? But then it hit me that YES, it IS that big of a deal. Beyond setting myself up to fail in the area of discipline because I will NEVER wake up Christmas morning & not give my little ones gifts, I am denying my children the opportunity to experience the TRUE JOY of Christmas - celebrating several weeks of anticipating the gifts that are guaranteed to come just because Keith & I love them, just like the Gift of Salvation that God guaranteed would come just because HE LOVES US

A little whisper

yesterday Evynn was toting around a crown made of tinsel that she got at a birthday party.  It does not really fit her head, it is falling apart, it looks like garbage and in my mind it is garbage.  Why could she not see that the other crown, the expensive one we got for her birthday is so much nicer?  Why does she think all the cheap party favor toys are SO important?  I was waiting for my sweet precious girl to walk away so I could throw away the eyesore that has been cluttering up the house for several months - knowing she would never miss it once she did not see it.

as I tossed it in the trash our sweet Savior whispered in my ear...

"Natasha, these pieces of trash that your wonderful daughter cherishes are just the same as all the grown up pieces of trash that YOU cherish.... that expensive vase you got as a wedding gift....  the beautiful bracelet your husband gave you....  your home.... your car....  all trash compared to what I have for you....Why can you not see that what I have to offer you is so much nicer?  I let you enjoy your tiny treasures.... let her enjoy hers...."

Veritcal

I think sometimes I believe that I have to love Keith and my children first because if I love God first there will not be enough love left over for them. However, the truth is just the opposite. LOVE GOD FIRST!

God's love will OVERFLOW!!!

Everything has to be vertical! Everything has to go through God first.

Do I believe that certain people are more capable, more connected, more together than I am? Was Mother Teresa? Is Michelle Duggar? Or others like them on some higher plain that I am not on and could never possibly achieve?

I would put forth that they are actually MORE BROKEN than I am.

They have realized that when their love, ALL THEIR LOVE, goes to God first what overflows is beyond anything they could create on their own. They have learned to sit at the feet of Jesus, staring into the eyes of the one they love - trusting that HIS love will be more than enough for the challenges that face them on a daily basis.

The glory of God is not seen through what these people CAN do; it is seen through what they CANNOT do and yet allow God to accomplish through them.

Each of us has the potential for this type of completely submitted, sacrificial life - following God's call to do what we know we are not capable of doing with a peace that surpasses understanding.

However, we have to move past our pride and be willing to be broken. It is only in the completely humbled position at Jesus' feet, with all our love directed to Him, where will we find that He lifts us up to the do the things we believe we are incapable of doing. And it is our complete inability to do something on our own that brings the glory to God that is His alone."

Joy in the Journey

I have been a mother for seven years now and it has been an incredible journey so far.  It has been a hard journey.  It has been a rewarding journey.  It has been a fun journey.  It is a journey I am so glad to be on.  I have made and continue to make a lot of mistakes on this journey. 

It has been a journey that I have not enjoyed nearly as much as I could have. 

Wait a minute, you have not enjoyed it?  How is that possible?  You have five children?  Why would you have had that many if you did not enjoy it.  These are all things you may be thinking right now. 

They are things that I have thought about a lot over the years.  It has taken me until the fifth child to FINALLY understand the answer to that.

Please understand – I LOVE my children.  I love them more than life itself.  Becoming a mother has given me just a little bit of insight into the enormity of the sacrifice God made in giving His son up for us, a tiny bit of insight into just how much He must love us to let His son die for me….  I would not let one of my children die for any of you.  I know that sounds harsh but it is true.  I would not choose that.  And yet that is what God chose.  THAT is how much He loves us. 

Please understand I am enormously GRATEFUL for my children.  They are a blessing from the Lord and I want each and every one of them.  I want every one of them that may still come.  I want a full quiver to aim and shoot out for the Lord. 

Please understand that I LIKE my children.  I truly like each one of them.  It is so much fun to see how different each one of them is developing; I like to sit and talk with each of them, snuggle with them, share in their victories and commiserate in their defeats.  They are mine and they are full of awesomeness.

But I have wondered, over the years, what exactly was missing.  I could not quite put my finger on it.  Then the other day I saw a picture that had the phrase “joy in the journey” on it and I knew. 

There was no joy in the journey.  I had fun, I had love but that river of joy that I knew should be the undercurrent to every day, to everything we did was missing. 

So over the last couple of months, I was praying for joy.  But it was still not there.  Again, we had fun times and I AM HAPPY.   But happy is not the same as true, deep, abiding joy.  That deep, abiding joy was missing.  And it was VERY important. 

Then we started homeschooling last week.  It is my third year to homeschool.  My first year to homeschool two children.  I was nervous about how it was going to flow but I thought surely it had to go better than last year when I was throwing up 10+ times a day while pregnant. 

It was horrible.  Awful.  I spent three days in tears.  I called Keith multiple times to tell him we need to put the children in school.  I spoke and prayed with friends.  I PRAYED A LOT.  All the while the phrase “joy in the journey” kept floating through my head.  The week ended better and I thought we were getting on track again. 

Monday rolled around and there we were again.  MISERABLE.  Joy was not even an option; I just wanted to make it through the day.  I wanted to get to a moment where I could just be done with my job…

And then it dawned on me.  I finally understood what my problem was, the problem that had robbed me of that undercurrent of joy for the past seven years. 

I looked at being a mother as a job.  A job like any other job I had had in the years before I got married and had babies.  But here is the thing.  It is not a job.  It is life.  A job has a beginning and an end each day.  There are breaks, vacations and lunches out.  With a job you get a performance reviews periodically, when you do a good job, you get a raise.  When you do not perform, you get fired.  There is usually feedback and progress, tangible goals that can be reached within reasonable amounts of time.  Even if you do not like your job, you still get the reward of a paycheck every couple of weeks to make it seem worthwhile.

For the first four years of motherhood, I arranged my life as if it were a job.  I trained my children to wake up at 7am to start my day and I trained them to nap at 1pm to give me a break.  I trained them to go to sleep at 7pm to end my day so “my life” could begin.  Time with Keith, reading, blogging, watching TV – I got to do all the things that I wanted to do and as long as things went as I planned, things were good.

But here is the thing, motherhood is not a job, it is life.  And things did not always go as planned.  Cow’s protein intolerance, ear infections, strong willed natures, pneumonia, RSV, Atypical tuberculosis and the natural course of time which leads children to stop napping & go to bed later… it all started screwing up my job schedule.  Suddenly I was working overtime.  And there was no time and a half! 

There was suddenly NO TIME FOR ME!  And it dawned on me that THIS JOB SUCKS! 

So Monday, as I was lying, curled in the fetal position on the couch crying, it dawned on me (for the first time in SEVEN YEARS – I have a very slow learning curve) motherhood is not a job – IT IS MY LIFE!  My life.  The life God gave me.  The life He called us to.  I want this life.  And I am missing much of the joy in it because I am trying to manage it like a job. 

I was too busy trying to make things run smoothly, on schedule.  I was too busy trying to get everything done in the right order at the right time.  I was too busy being selfish.

I remember, back when I was “learning how to be a mom” from parenting books before Bowden born, a book talked about the need for a schedule so that I could have that “needed me time”.  I remember the COUNTLESS times other mothers, mentors, friends and everyone else (except my husband) talked about how important it is for mothers to have “free time”… mother’s day out…. a break… I allowed myself to be brainwashed into believing that this was true. 

And it is a load of crap.

Now please here me, breaks are nice.  Breaks are good.  Everyone can use a break.  But when we base our entire existence and “happiness” on that break, we are setting ourselves up for a lot of heartbreak.  We are robbing ourselves of the joy in the journey because we are missing everything looking ahead to the break.  I have spent seven years fighting with this.  Seven years struggling with every moment that did not go on schedule.  Struggling with frustration when the break did not come when it was “supposed to”, when the job did not end on time that evening.  Pining away for some “me time”, looking at the clock and wondering when that break would come.  Missing the joy in the journey. 

Then suddenly, on Monday, God answered that prayer for me.  He made very clear what the phrase “joy in the journey” meant.  Stop working and start living.  Enjoy every moment of each day with your children.  Stop thinking of it as a job to work through each day and start living each day. 

My hear is filled with sadness right now…We have had a lot of fun times,  but … oh how much joy I have missed out on because I believed the lie that I needed “time for me”….  Because I believed that sacrificing my wants for part of the day was enough…  thank goodness Jesus did not do “just enough”… 

Joy in the journey means living ALL OUT, ALL THE TIME.   The joy, true joy, comes from true and total sacrifice.  True joy only comes when we put aside our endless, ceaseless wants that will never  really satisfy and realize that the only thing that truly satiates and brings joy is utter surrender.   It means riding on the current of sacrifice ALL THE TIME… it means live for the now – not the “when the kids go to nap…. Go to bed…  we go out alone… vacation… weekend away”  all those things are good but really, we should be living our lives as a holy and living sacrifice and that is not a job – it is life, the abundant life.  My life.  And I WANT IT.

changing

ten years ago I was interviewing for my dream job... well, I already had my dream job as  a division I softball coach but I was interviewing for one of the best coaching jobs in the country... 
How life has changed in ten years....  changed in ways I could NEVER imagined, changed in GREAT ways.

One of the great things about coaching college softball was getting to drive very cool 15 passenger vans all over the country.  Big, hard to park vans full of screaming/laughing young people.  Never in my life did I EVER think I would BUY a big van like that....

How life has changed in ten years....

Our "baby blue beast"

Let's be honest, I never saw myself as a "minivan" person.  When we outgrew our small car, we would get a cool SUV.  That changed when Keith found our very awesome Town and Country minivan.  It had leather seats and all kinds of other cool things.  I loved it.  I remember sitting at a stop light one day looking over to see two teenagers in the car next to me.  It dawned on me that I was no longer "one of them"... a young person.  I was a mom in a minivan.  That was cool with me!

We got a new car this weekend.  We have outgrown that awesome minivan.  I am no longer a "minivan person".  I am one of THOSE people.  One of those people who has so many children we have to get a ridonculous looking 12 passenger van! 

Now I will be honest, we could have gotten one of the large SUVs and still fit everyone in but then when family came to visit we would still have to take two cars everywhere and if we are blessed with another child we would have to get the van so we just skipped the SUV stage.  Keith searched long and hard to find the perfect car for our family.  He drove down to Texas and got me an AWESOME new (to us) 12 passenger van!  Now I drive a big, hard to park van full of screaming/laughing/crying  young people EVERY DAY!

I cannot lie, I am a little sad to see my minivan go.  It was so nondescript.   When we were in the van, people did not look at us and make comments wondering if we knew "how that happens", there were no rabbit factory comments while in the van.  Unless you happened to catch us getting in or out, the causal observer thought that we were just your average minivan driving family with a couple of kiddos strapped inthe back.

Now there is no denying it.  According to our cutlure, our family has become overgrown.  The Big Blue Beast draws attention to that fact.  We pull into a parking lot and people stare.  Sitting at the stop light people look over and wonder, "Church bus?  Day care?  It can't be a family, who would have THAT many children."

The "Big Blue Beast"

When we first started talking about getting a big van, a family member actually told us we should just stop having children because WHY OH WHY would you want to have to drive a 12 passenger van around?

We weren't sure if attempting to limit the size of our family should really be based on what type of car we wanted to drive around...

So here we are, owners of a Big Blue Beast.  Any small chance of blending in is long gone.  But really, we are called to be set apart, different.  It is not my goal to blend in.  It is my goal to shine glory to the Father in heaven.  It is my goal to live my life according to He who called me, He who saved me.  So now, when people see that big blue beast and all of us riding in it, when they say "you have got your hands full..."

I can say yes, full of God's blessings.

So we have given up our TV for the month of August.  The entire month.  No TV.  No movies.  No news.  No sports.

This is not just for our little ones.  Keith and I are taking a break as well.  There will be no sneaking and watching something after the little ones head off to bed. 

31 days without the big, blaring box filling the house with noise.  It is only 31 days.

So why, you ask?  Why are we giving it up?  We are giving it up because of the feeling I get when I read the sentence above.  31 days without TV.  When I decided we should do this (2 weeks ago), it seemed noble and parental.  Now, I feel like I am going to be missing out on something.  I feel like I do not know what I will do with myself or my children.  I am anxious and sad.

Seriously, anxious and SAD about not watching TV?  THAT IS A PROBLEM.

Here is the irony in this whole thing, we do NOT watch that much TV.  My children average about 30 minutes a day - meaning there are days when they watch two hours of TV and then there are days when they watch none.  But they ask for it ALL THE TIME.  It is the first question my son asks EVERY morning when he gets up and Saturday is the ONLY morning we do watch TV (on other days it is usually when I feed baby at 10:00am - not first thing).  When we do sit down to watch a cartoon, several of them actually cry when it is over and I do not turn on another one (even though we RARELY watch two and it is ALWAYS explained that there will only be ONE).  THIS IS A PROBLEM.

I watch a cooking show or something on TLC in the late afternoon on SOME days.  Keith and I do watch TV in the evenings when our little ones go to bed.  But there are no shows we MUST watch.  Let's be honest, most of it is crap. 

So why so anxious?  I realized that TV is a drug on our house.  It is a recreational drug that we use to kill time, to control moods, to relieve stress, to ease boredom.   It is just as addictive as crack or LSD.    We want it when we can't have it and when we get it some is never enough. 

As I have mentioned previously in this blog, my last pregnancy was a trying one.  I was VERY sick for a long time and I got lazy.  TV was an easy way to deal with crazy children and to zone out myself when I had a free moment.  I am MUCH better now, but habits are hard to break.   Instead of picking up a book, I reach for the remote.  And books are SO MUCH better than an old episode of House Hunters or Friends.

So I decided we need a break.  Some might ask, why not just get rid of it?  And I have one word, football.  Keith and I love love love football, especially college football.  So, when it dawned on me that the TV was really needing to be curbed (not so much in amount as I said above, it is not HUGE amounts of time, but in desire) and that Football season was right around the corner, I decided August was the month to take the plunge.

Today has been fine.  They have only asked for it one time (B, first thing this morning).  I am wondering how it will all turn out.  I am sure we will do just fine this month.  But I wonder, like any addict, will we be able to turn the TV back on and handle it?  I have some ideas about that but will spend these TV free days praying about it, seeking wisdom as to how to handle our desire for it.