So here is the realization that hit me yesterday..  I am a big fat, fatty.  Now, before the six people who do read this get all up in arms - I am NOT asking you to comment and say "Oh, no your not!"  Because the reality is, I AM a big fat, fatty.  I realized yesterday that I am about two pounds shy of the weight I was when Bowden was BORN (that means 40 weeks pregnant!).

Yesterday I went to get some of those cool workout shoes that Sketchers make.  I have been eying them for a while and I knew that I needed to get into shape.  I had some birthday money that I was going to spoil myself with so I decided to get the shoes and some cute workout clothes.  Here is the thing though - you cannot get cute workout clothes when you are plus sized.  I looked at Dillard's (thinking I would support my husband's company AND use the discount) and everything was just too small.  Then a light bulb went off...

Lane Bryant.  I have shopped there before.  They do have really cute clothes for larger women so I will just go there and get some things.  So I walked in, found the first sales associate and asked "Where are the workout clothes?"

You would have thought I had asked for the size 2 clothing.  She looked like I was speaking a foreign tongue and then garbled something at me about a rack towards the back holding coordinates.  As I looked through them, I realized that these clothes WERE NOT workout clothes.  They were just cotton tops and pants.   Heavy cotton.   Not something that would feel good to workout in.

This is what I do not understand - I need to workout because I have put on some weight.  I cannot find suitable workout clothes because I need to workout....?  Hummm.

So, I have always thought positively about Lane Bryant.  They serve a good purpose.  Most of us are NOT supermodel thin.  Women, regardless of size, should be able to find nice clothing to wear.  But I was a little taken aback by the fact that the thought of them carrying some fitness clothes was so shocking.  My current "Wow, I am a big fat fatty & I need to eat better & workout" is not about getting back to the size I was when I was married.  It is about living a healthy lifestyle.  Something I have not done since Ryen was born.  Wouldn't you think a store that advertises themselves as empowering to women would think that a healthy lifestyle can be encouraged without making women feel bad about their size?

But is that true?  Can we encourage women to live a healthy lifestyle without making them feel bad?  I mean let's be honest, it was the reality that nothing in XL size fits me the truly opened my eyes to the life of lazy, gluttony I have been living!

And here is another thought, do we really want to be encouraged to have a healthy lifestyle?  Or does a store like Lane Bryant just enable us to do what we want, eat how we please then put on stylish, cute clothes.

As I said earlier, I have always thought Lane Bryant was a good store - but I can assure you, I would never have stepped inside one prior to giving birth to my second child.  If I had the feeling that I was putting on some weight, I watched what I was eating and started working out more.  But sometime after Evynn was born, I was looking for something to wear for her baby dedication and I walked in.  I justified myself by saying that I was buying their smallest size and it was almost too big on me.   Sometime between Evynn and Kailyn I got my act together and though I was not as small as I had been, I was healthy and pretty happy with it.  I could fit into a reasonable size for my height.

The decisions I made during my pregnancy with Ryen and after her birth are a whole different story though.  I know there are lots of people out there saying "give yourself some grace..."  BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!  I am going to speak some harsh truths right now.    There is nothing wrong with having a sweet treat now and then.  There is nothing wrong with skipping a workout here and there.  But here is the reality - gluttony is a sin (one of the seven deadly...) and I am fairly certain eating a Sam's Club size bag of M&M's over the course of a couple of days is gluttony.  Eating french fries several times a week is gluttony.  I could go on and on here.  I am responsible for what goes in my mouth and I have used the excuse of being tired, liking the way food tastes, being stressed, the list could go on and on to live in sin.

I wake up every morning desiring to grow closer with my Savior.  I pray, I read the Bible, I go to church.  I surround myself with other believers who I ask to hold me accountable to God's word.  If I were lying or cheating on my husband, if I were abusing my children or spending recklessly these friends would call me out on it immediately.  Yet no one wants to ever call over eating what it is - gluttony, a sin.

God has called us to regard our bodies as a temple.  And isn't that exactly what it is?  The Holy Spirit lives in my heart.  The Holy Spirit is part of the Tri-une God - doesn't this make my body a temple to the one true God?  And every time overindulge myself, I am desecrating that temple!

Please understand, this is NOT about what size I am.  This about being healthy.  This is about living a life of self-control.  This is about honoring God with all that He has blessed us with and excess of any kind does not honor Him.  I am not saying that I should not ever shop at Lane Bryant.  I am saying though, that I should not use the fact that I can get cute, stylish clothes regardless of my size to eat everything that I can fit into my mouth.  I am saying Lane Bryant (and other places that carry plus size clothing) should carry suitable workout clothes.  

So, I am sure you six readers will hear a lot more about this new path.  I am truly convicted about this.  Does that mean a french fry will never again touch these lips?  NO!  If I were on a deserted island and there was only one food, it would be french fries.  I want to live a healthy life and just as excess is wrong so is deprivation.  However, I am recommitting to finding the joy I used to have for working out and I am going to work very hard to rework how my family eats.