Why do I Facebook?

I have been asking myself this question for A LONG time.  At least a year.  And please, let me preface this with a comment - this blog is ABOUT ME...  my thoughts and my feelings and how they apply to ME.  I am not making ANY broad statements about others.  I am simply taking a look at my personality, weaknesses, strengths and tendencies and thinking how social media affects ME.

I remember a couple of years ago when someone asked me if I was on Facebook.  I had NO IDEA what it was.  Keith explained it to me, we looked at the site and I signed up for an account.  There was some serious fun in those first days.  I searched for friends long past.  I was "friended" by people I had not heard from in DECADES.  It was so neat to see what people I had known so long ago had been up to.  I also played a bit of Oregon Trail (which I think is no longer available on the site).  Keith did some silly race car game and we learned how to post pictures and enjoyed the excitement of instantly sharing photos of our little ones with friends and family. 

And then there was the best part....  THE STATUS  LINE.  I mean really, there was nothing more enticing to THIS stay at home, homeschooling mom than the opportunity to share pithy comments about my day with other adults who would appreciate them so much more than my children ever did.  Suddenly all those thoughts that rolled around in my head had a place to be heard.  Suddenly I was getting instant feed-back;  praise for my clever wit & my adorable children's antics along with support if something rough had fallen upon my path.  I made a conscious effort to NOT use the venue to gripe or complain about things (although I am certainly not perfect!) and I enjoyed letting the world know what an awesome husband I had and how God had blessed our family.  During this time our computer was in the family room, shut up in an cabinet.  I did not have simple access to it during the day and let's be honest, that Dell just took FOREVER to load up and so just posting a quick status update was not an easy thing to do.  But that desire to be heard had taken root and over the next two years it would grow beyond reason.

However, a few things began to change over the course of the next two years that have changed the excitement over from those first few months to a thing of stress and grief.  First, I began to notice that MANY of the people who were friending me from high school were people that I did not even really know.  One day I thought to myself "Why would these people want to be friends with me now?"  It seemed like just picking out a random person on the street to friend.  So I started to be more selective about who I clicked "accept" on.  Then I started realizing that even many of the people who I did actually know were very different than I was.  Please do not get me wrong, there is NOTHING wrong with being different than me - but I decided I did not really want to hear about so many  people's lives in such detail.  This is when I actually started "unfriending"  people. 

Unfriending was hard though.  Harder than I ever thought it would be.  In my heart I knew that these people were NOT people I would ever do anything with but even though I did not truly WANT to hear the details of their lives, there was something almost intoxicating about remaining in contact with them.  I felt like something from my past had been found and even though on most every level I wanted to be free from them, there was this part of me that was afraid to let go.  WHY?  Why is that?

Things really hit a peak during the '08 presidential election and again during the "great healthcare debate".  I am a debater by nature, top that with being passionate about what I believe and I suddenly found myself in heated debates with people who I did not know on statuses posted by common friends.  Keith pointed out to me, on more than one occasion, that the reality of me winning someone to my side via a Facebook status debate was rather slim and he did not understand why I let myself get so riled up. 

However, none of this compares to with this fall.  These past couple of months on Facebook have brought very little excitement and quite a bit of despair.    I have been on the receiving end of some very cruel comments and I have myself made a comment that caused a very important person in my life enormous heart ache.  There have been a few other instances of friends being "attacked" verbally by others as well.  And all this has caused me to stop and wonder - why DO I Facebook?

In the midst of the pain I caused this week, I was moments away from deleting my account all together but there was something that just would not let me.  And I did not like what I was feeling.  It is hard for me to put into words what it was, but it was not good.  I liked feeling connected with others.  That is not such a bad thing but are these connections real?  Over the past few months I had seen these people turn on each other and me in just a blink of an eye.  It is oh so much easier to say something cruel when you are not actually looking at the person.  My heartless, cruel remark was just that, something that should have been said to my loved one and not on Facebook but it was easier to complain in cyberspace then it was to just talk to that person.   And maybe, even though you clicked on the word "friend", just maybe that person was NOT really your friend after all? 

I also realized that being able to share my thoughts in an instant gave me a sense of importance.  Vanity really.  Let's be honest, my thoughts had always been important and now Facebook (and the fact that we now had a fast starting Mac up and running in our kitchen) gave me a chance to let the world hear all the important, pithy things I had to say.  I can remember the excitement as I would walk through the kitchen and tapped on the space bar to see if anyone had commented on my latest quip.  Then I realized that as I had spent more time Facebooking, I had spent less time blogging.  And I do love to blog.  And the difference with blogging is that when I used to blog - it was about me and God.  Blogging was about me spending time writing, trying to figure out what God had in store for me and sharing that with the two people who read my blog.  There was never a deep desire to hear back on a blog because the blog was not about other making me feel good, it was about God revealing Himself to me.  But as Facebook grew, blogging faded.  The draw of the quick and easy was too much for the time spent seeking God through words, prayer and contemplation.

I have rethought my Facebook usage.  It has not all been bad.  There have been a few very important people in my past that I have found and that is wonderful.  I have deepened some relationships with some who do not live close by and that has been a true blessing.  I am able to easily let our far away family see photos of the goings on in Little Rock and that is great.  But Facebook has changed for me.  I will no longer allow it to be a social outlet.  I will use the messaging system to get a hold of people.    I will no longer seek worth from it.  Worth can only come from one source and that is our Father above.  I am not saying you will never see a status update from me again, however it will no longer be done in the attempt to fulfill the need for community.  My life is so full already and it just seemed like all Facebook was doing was pulling me in a million different directions.  My sphere had grown so big that the noise was deafening.    I need some quiet now and I do believe there are many others who will be happy to not hear from me so often!