As I sit here, I pray, God give me words.  You have given me some great words in the past.  Your words, not mine.  Words that have called me to a higher place.  Words that have rocked my world, words that have warmed my heart, words that have dug into those dark places I do not want anyone to see.

But I have not had many words lately.  Not in the past several months.  I have said it was because I have just been too busy being a wife, too busy training my children, too busy homeschooling my children, too busy being a friend, too busy being a Bible study leader....  too busy to get into His word, too busy to be with Him, too busy to hear His word ...

These are all things He has called me to...  This is the purpose He has planned for my life.  I know this with certainty.  I love my life.  And yet, I miss His words.

So I have to ask myself, would He have called me to something that would pull me away from Him?  Or am I just making excuses, listening to that wily serpent who would speak through the mouths of those who "know better"... that this time of my life is just too full to really feel "pressured" and "guilted" to spend time in the Word.

God wants me to pursue the purpose He has laid out for me but more than that, He wants me to pursue Him.  Pursuing the purpose but not the Creator just leads to tired, frustration.  Pursuing Him means I need to BE IN THE WORD, daily.  Pursuing Him means I need to meet Him in PRAYER by the hour, by the minute....  His words are there, I was just not hearing them because I was so busy pursuing His purpose that I was not stopping to spend time with Him.

There have been times in my ten years as a Christ follower that I have stumbled through parts of the Old Testament, wondering why should I read this?  Let's get the good stuff, the Good News....  But this year I started a Bible reading program with my church and have been working through the OT.  Two people really stood out to me - the first was Lot's wife.  I feel, at times, that I am like Lot's wife.  Especially with homeschooling.  God has called me to this difficult path of educating my children and I have started down the path. However, there are days, long, painful days, when I find that I have stopped.  I stop and look back at what that other life was...  I do not really like the fact that of all the women in Genesis, I relate to the woman who was turned to a pillar of salt.  But that is what I have felt like during this school year - a pillar of salt - frozen looking back at place God has called me out of thinking that has got to be better than the scary unknown of where we are going.

And the other person?  Jacob.  Jacob in the tent the night before he meets up with his brother to whom he did so wrong.  Jacob who stayed up all night wrestling with God.  Jacob, who wrestled so fiercely with God that his hip was finally popped.  I feel like I have spent an enormous amount of time fighting with God.  I can imagine Jacob, that night before seeing his brother, practically crippled with fear, fear of the future, worrying about what was going to happen, completely ignoring the words God had spoken to Him - something along the lines of "go home, I've got your back".  I read that and wondered "What is wrong with this guy?  God SPOKE TO HIM!"  I would not need to worry if God spoke to me like that.

But then it dawns on me.  God does speak to me...  or He would, if I would pick up my Bible... get down on my knees in prayer.  Instead, I lay in my metaphorical tent, worrying about everything.  Wrestling with the Truth instead of just submitting and saying "I TRUST YOU!"

I love His Word, I love His Spirit, I love Him.  Seek and we will find.  A friend told me last night that it is ridiculous for women who are in the trenches of motherhood... night feedings, potty training, temper tantrums... the list goes on and on...to believe the lie that we are just to busy to get into the Word.  I do not think we should wield that hatchet of guilt around about this but the reality if there is anyone who needs to be in the word of God, it is the mother in the trenches.  This year, I have stopped looking back and started looking at Him.  My prayer?  That I will love Him.  That I will be consumed with Him.  That everything in my life with others would simply be an overflow of the abundance of God.