Healing Begins (a song by Tenth Avenue North)

So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So I was pregnant, just a few days ago, I had a tiny baby inside my tummy.  We called her Hazelnut.  We call all our babies by nut names before we know if they are boys or girls.  Peanut, Cashew, Pecan, Almond… Hazelnut seemed a little gangly for a little baby but really, we were running out of nut names and Brazil or macadamia seemed worse.  I called Keith in Hong Kong and told him he was going to be a daddy again.  I could practically see him smiling through the phone. 

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

We’re here now… now I am not pregnant.

This is where the healing begins
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Baby Hazelnut is gone.  She went without much fuss.  I use “she” because Keith & I decided that Hazelnut is kind of a girly sounding nut and since we will not know the whole boy or girl thing until we get to heaven, we will just think she was a girl.  It is our prerogative, after all.  I really am doing all right with the whole thing.  I truly have a peace about it.  I know that something was not right.  I know that God has plans and this precious life that never made it into my arms will do great things for His kingdom just as I pray all my other children will.  But every once and a while a sadness creeps up on me.  A sadness that lies deeper than baby Hazelnut. 

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear

Today, in the silence of naptime the thought finally took shape.  I gave Him back one, He took back one.

So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound

So there it is.  I do not have one child in heaven waiting to meet me.  I have two.  The one I wanted and the one that I gave back.  The one that came out of a nightmare that I could not keep.  They both wait for me.

When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now

I am here now.  I am truly at peace with Hazelnut going to be with Jesus and I anticipate that day when I will hold her for the first time.  I do not believe this is some sort of punishment.  That is not my God.  But the death of baby Hazelnut has brought to my heart the death of that other sweet baby.  That baby who never got a cute, nutty name.  That baby whose second pink line was not celebrated.  That baby is on my heart.

Oh This is where the healing begins
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

The light meets the dark… The light of the joy of baby Hazelnut meets the dark of that other baby.  This IS where the healing begins. Healing from the loss of baby Hazelnut but really healing from the loss of that other precious baby.  And that healing really starts in the form of forgiveness. 

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

His blood can cover us.  His blood DOES cover us.  We just have to accept it.  I am forgiven.  I just have to allow that forgiveness to settle into the deep recesses of my heart.  I must allow the light of forgiveness to fill those recesses.  The dark places that I kept hidden until baby Hazelnut came and then went back to heaven.  I need to know that other precious baby sits in heaven and sees my heart, knows where I was when I made that horrific decision and knows that I regret it every single day.  I need to know that baby Hazelnut and that other precious baby sit together now, along side our incredible Savior, waiting for when they can meet me face to face.

This is where the healing begins
This is where the healing starts
Come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

This is WHERE the healing begins.  I can feel it seep through my heart, even as I type this.  I am not overwhelmed with sadness, I am saturated in peace.  I know there will be some days of tears ahead.  But it is the tears that make the good times taste even sweeter.  God is good and He is with me. 

My Itty Bitty is three

A day does not go by when I do not think "What if we would have stopped...?"  But birthdays are especially sweet to me!  I have written about this and include a link to that particular blog http://natashajoneslr.xanga.com/701485804/if-we-would-have-stopped/

Precious Kailyn turned three today!  What a sweet and wonderful child she is!  She is my tiny child (at about 50% on the growth chart so compared to her siblings, she is tiny).  She is soft spoken and delicate.  She is a little fairy.  But there is also another side to her!  She is passionate and strong willed.  She cries EVERY TIME she does not get her way.  She is fiery and tempestuous.  She is my only true snuggler.  The others like a snuggle here and there but Kailyn would be happy to sit in my lap all day long!  She wants me to carry her everywhere.  She could sleep through a train running through her room.  She prefers to put her shoes on the wrong feet.  Her favorite food is breakfast meat (sausage, bacon).  Her first words were "baby bear" for her lovey.  She is perpetually hurting herself (falling off playsets, bumping into thinks, falling into pools, I could go on).  Mercy and Elijah are her best friends but her big sister Evynn is her favorite playmate.  She dotes on her daddy.  She rides in the car quietly singing songs to herself.  She can recite John 3:16 and Luke 19:10 (which is her favorite).  She has me sing "Away in the Manger" to her every night.

I could go on and on.  She is an amazing girl.  I cannot wait to see the woman God has designed her to be and watch her become that!  God has blessed us with this little girl and I am grateful for every day that I get to spend with her and be her mommy!

Answered prayers

Several weeks ago, our pediatrician recommended that our almost 3 yr old get a speech evaluation.  I had been sensing there were some articulation issues for a while and several people who spend time with her had mentioned it to me.  To further confirm this need, Dr Byrum noticed it on his own while Kailyn was at the office for her younger sister's one year baby visit.  I had been planning on bringing it up, but he noticed the issue without my prompting.

Now I understand that there are people with children who have far greater challenges than this but Keith and I were facing some serious financial issues if Kailyn did need therapy.  We have a $10,000 deductible (yes, you read that right, there is NOT an extra "0" there).  We would have to pay for this all ourselves.  Then we found out that this insurance does not cover speech issues regardless, so the money we would be spending would not even count towards this amount. 

So in the middle of March, my husband started praying.  And that prayer was answered.  It took about six weeks to get the appointment scheduled and all the paperwork completed.  During that time, Kailyn's speech improved TREMENDOUSLY.   So much so that strangers can now understand her (unheard of prior to this).  Neighbors commented that they could not believe how much better she was talking.  In the short month and a half, my little girl went from a child who needed her mommy to interpret 90% of what she said (and there was a large portion I could not understand) to one who was easily understood by those she did not know.

The speech eval was this morning.  I told the therapist about my husband's prayer and the progress we had been seeing.  After the test, the therapist was amazed.  She said that Kailyn was VERY smart and was able to make sounds and do things that even her OWN five year old could not do!

Praise the Lord.  Not only did He answer our prayers, He did it in a big way!  I love Him and I love my husband for going before the Lord to pray boldly!!!!

Anyone who really knows me, knows that I LOVE LOVE LOVE Little House on the Prairie...  the show, the books, the musical.  I love it all.  While getting my degree in history I focused most of my attention in 18th and 19th century American history.    So, as a stay at home mom, I often have moments where I  will think of Ma and what her life was like and realize my life is pretty cushy!  This morning was one of those moments.  Without trying to share TMI,  breakfast was wrapping up and three of us needed to use the bathroom.  I went up to our room, leaving Kailyn and Ryen at the table.  I giggle as B & E headed to the other two bathrooms, grateful that we had three bathrooms.  Then it hit me - what did Ma do with her little babies when she had to go to the bathroom?

Just the other day, I was at our church when several of us had to go to the bathroom - including myself.  I had Ryen but there was no stroller to put her in.  So I picked the least used restroom in our ginormous building and set her on the floor while I went.  What else was I supposed to do with her?  I would NEVER have done that at McDonald's but I happen to know our church is very clean.  Of course, when I did it another mom followed me into the bathroom and caught me leaving my one year old daughter on the floor!  Nice...

Anyway, what did Ma do when she needed to go potty?  I mean sure, the Ma of the TV show would just leave Mary or Laura in charge of baby Cary or Grace.  But what about the REAL Ma?  When Mary and Laura WERE the little babies?  Did she just carry them to the outhouse with her?  Moms of our generation joke and complain all the time about just wanting to pee by ourselves all the time but how did it work when there was no fancy indoor plumbing?

So this led my thinking a little deeper.  Anyone who has read the LHOTP books knows they are filled with the day to day doings of life.  These women were busy from the minute they woke up in the morning until they laid their heads down to sleep.  Each season was filled with the daily tasks of living,  getting ready for the next season, taking care of family....  They were busy ALL THE TIME and there was no zoloft!

These people were busy every minute of the day and I do not think their pastors were preaching about the dangers of "busyness".  There were not book stores filled with books on how to deal with the evils of a busy life.  There were not blogs upon blogs urging women to cut back on their crazy schedules.  They were busy because they had to be.  They were busy with surviving.  And I do not believe they were any less busy than we are today.  I do not have ANY stats to back this up - but I do believe that the depression that is rampant in our culture today is a relatively new phenomenon.    We hear about how "stressed" out everyone is from all they have to do and this causes depression. 

I look back at what life has been like throughout the world over through all of time and I just do not get it.  We are stressed out over getting our children to swim lessons and AWANA.  We are stressed out about having to go to two birthday parties in one day.  We are stressed out about making our yard look pretty.  Less than two hundred years ago, the busyness that filled people's lives had a purpose.  If you did not get the corn in at the right time, your family did not eat next winter.  If you did not get the wood cut, your family froze next winter.  They were busy doing things that MATTERED and I do believe that this makes a huge difference.  I suspect there is a sense of enormous satisfaction when you bring in the corn that will nourish your family for the next year.  It probably trumped any depression you felt in the pressure to get the corn planted in the first place.

I am NOT trying to make light of depression here.  I do think it is very serious and people who suffer from it need help.  I suffered from it deeply in my early 20s.  Nor am I trying to romanticize the lives of early Americans.  Life was hard and filled with disappointment, early deaths, hard labor.  But I think what I am feeling today is that we need to find a way to fill our lives with things that matter. 

Things that matter to life. 

Driving through McDonald's is an easy way to feed my family but it certainly does NOT give me the sense of accomplishment that I get when I MAKE them something healthy. 

I am not really sure where I am going with this except to say, life has ALWAYS been busy.  It just seems like today, we have filled our lives up with busyness that does not matter. 

At one point in my life, someone commented to me that I always seem tired.  There seemed to be some condemnation in that comment in regards to the life Keith and I have chosen to follow, having as many children as God would choose to bless us with.   I have thought of that often.  I am tired.  A LOT.  VERY TIRED.  But it is a good tired.  It is a GREAT tired.    Sometimes it is a cranky tired but I have noticed that it is usually the crankiest when I have chosen to fill my life with the business of things that do not matter in the matters of LIFE.   Going to this, doing that - focusing all my time, attention and energy on things that may be fun but have nothing to do with survival tend to drain me in a cranky way.  They are fun at the time, in small doses but a day (or days) filled with them drain me and make me cranky tired.  Doing for my family, cooking, cleaning, schooling - they may not be glamourus or as much fun - but there is a sense of satisfaction that leaves me feeling satisfied tired.  Does that make sense?

Let's be honest, God created us to work -
Genesis 1:27-29 says
Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground."
 ²⁷ So God created man in his own image,
       in the image of God he created him;
       male and female he created them.
 ²⁸ God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground."
 ²⁹ Then God said, "I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food. ³⁰ And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds of the air and all the creatures that move on the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give every green plant for food." And it was so.


We were created to work 6 days a week and rest 1 day.  In our era of convenience food, appliances and the internet we have mixed up what is work, what is life giving and what is fun.  I cannot tell you how many mothers I hear complaining about taking their children to this activity or that.  They are "tired, stressed out" from all they "have" to do.    We have taken the blessings of modern conveniences and turned them into the curse of having too much time.  We were made to work, so we are not satisfied sitting around doing nothing.  So what do we do with our time?  We fill it with stuff that gives us no sense of accomplishment and end up stressed and depressed.

I have no clever ending here.  These were just thoughts that have been in my head.  I just think that God clearly created us to work most of the time - do you think he knew that we would find that work to be the stuff of life giving satisfaction?  He created us to rest one day - do you think he knew that if we tired to fill our lives with too much "fun" that the fun would no longer be fun but would just create stress and dissatisfaction?

So year one of homeschooling is winding down.  Bowden finished kindergarten at Homeschool Academy this week.  In case you are wondering, HSA is a one day a week program for homeschoolers.  I am not really sure how the older grades work, but I found that the K class was a great place for Bowden to get to play with other little boys and do some fun crafts along with other really cool things that I cannot od did not do with him.  HSA gives me a break one day to take a Bible Study at church (the girls go to childcare there) and has been so much fun this year both for Bowden and for me in seeing and hearing about all he does there.

I have about three weeks left until I have finished all that I want to do.  Does that mean there will be no school for the summer?  No.  I will spend a short bit of time several days a week reviewing what we learned over this year.

Some interesting things that came out of this most challenging and rewarding year?


- Sometimes we all cry while doing school
- While each child craves individual attention from Mommy, the girls just want to do school with mommy sooo badly and Bowden (who gets to do school) would really rather I play trains or do a craft with him
-Bowden LOVES LOVES LOVES math, which I find ironic because I am so bad bad bad at math!  I am actually excited about relearning it
-I really prefer to get school done in the morning, even if it means dealing with all three girls than waiting until naptime, I just like knowing it is done
-There is nothing like your child reading his first sentence to you and knowing you taught him that!
-Bowden still has a LONG way to go with reading but he is getting there
- Perhaps my best moment came this past week when my entire attitude shifted after I decided to feed them all cheerios for lunch at the table, buried under books, crayons, paper & coloring books and I realized that if I would quit trying to be the Martha Stewart of homeschoolers I would be a whole lot happier!
-I am so happy that I have the privilege of homeschooling my children!  I cannot imagine doing anything else!

So I was out in the yard gardening with my children this morning and I was thinking about God and sin.  It is an easy path to go on while pulling weeds!  Last year, we dumped a TON of mulch on our flower beds and we had a lot less weeds through the entire season than we have already had up to now.  The mulch just made it impossible for the weeds to even start to grow.  Isn't the word of God just like that?  The more time we spend in it, the less likely sin is going to take root.  I have talked before about how I want my house to drip with Jesus, now I am thinking that I need to smother sin with a thick blanket of God's word!  I also noticed that some of the weeds were really easy to pull out, their roots were shallow and with just a tiny tug, they were gone.  There were a few, though, that were much harder to get out.  if I just tugged on the top, the roots would remain - just like those deeply rooted sins in my life - if I do not get in there with a shovel and dig it out, that sin will just grow back. 

Bowden was helping me pulls weeds today.  My children have played a large roll in helping me see and get rid of the weeds in my life.  They are the flowers and the weeds of sin will choke them out if I do not get rid of them!  At one point, Bowden pulled up a rather large "weed"" and asked me what it was.  I told him it was a tree seedling.  Oh the tears that spilled down his precious cheeks!  I tried to explain to him that even though it technically was not a weed, we still needed to pull it from the garden.  If we let it stay, it would grow too big and choke out everything else.  This has been a big issue in my life lately.  There are a lot of good things in my life that maybe no longer have a place in my garden.  If I let them remain, they will overwhlem and kill all the other things.

At one point, Bowden and I noticed a plant that had a sort of grassy weed growing up through it.  As I pulled the weeds out from the plant, I realized that some of the plant was going to have to come up with it.  How many times in my life have I allowed sin to crop up in my life and it ends up hurting those around me?  Getting rid of the sin took time and left those I care about hurt in the wake of it.

As I moved from the front side of the flower beds to the back I noticed a very telling sign about me - I tend to really just work on the part of the beds that people can most readily see.  There were a lot more weeds in the backside (and our backyard gets even less attention).  How true is this in my life as a whole?  How often do I take care of things on the surface so people think I have it together?  I tell myself I will get to the backside or the backyard later - when I have time - but as long as what most people can see looks good that is all that matters.  Maybe that is why God makes it clear that we are to live in close community with others- it is in this close community that people really see what is going on in your life.  They see your weeds and this makes you more likely to pulls them!

There is nothing too deep or profound here.  Just a morning in the garden reminding me that if I sit back for even a day, not spending time in God's word, not pulling the sin out of my life as soon as I see it, my garden will soon be overwhelmed and the things I care about will suffer!

It is Monday and Sunday has already happened

Okay, so this blog is a day late... but hey, I have four children, 5 and under and I am homeschooling....  give me a little break!!!!

So it is Monday and Sunday has happened.  For my Christ following friends, I wonder, what does this mean to you? 

We had an incredible Holy Week.    I did a special devotional with the children every morning talking about Christ's journey into Jerusalem and His week there.  We hung palm branches in the family room.  Keith continued to lead our family in the nightly Bible study that we always do.  We went to the Good Friday service at our church and shared a special time with our children.   On Saturday, we did the Resurrection Eggs with the family and was able to see some real understanding as to what Christ endured for us by our children.  Kailyn (our 2 year old) even told us John 3:16 without any prompting.  Sunday was another awesome day at church and then we closed it out the week celebrating with our wonderful adopted families the Sathianathans and the Wilsons.  Our minds and our hearts were focused on Christ the entire week and we could feel His Spirit among us.

So now it is Monday.  Just a plain old Monday.  Christ has died and He has risen.  The season for celebration has past us and there will be no "major" Christian celebrations for another 9 months. 

Did you hear His whispers this week? 

Do you hear Him calling? 

Did He get your attention?

Because I know He caught mine.  As a family, our attention was on Him, all week.  Every chance Keith & I had, we were bringing it back to God, back to Christ and back to the gift of salvation we celebrate during this week.  And what were the results?  Children who clearly understood what Easter was really about.  Children who learned God's word.  It has been written upon their hearts. 

But one week is NOT enough. 

I certainly cannot be expecting my church or Awana to fulfill this momentous task.  God has called Keith and I to train up our children to know Him.  He has called us to write His word on their hearts (see Duet. 6).  Our house was dripping with Jesus last week.  My children were soaked in His Word, in His love and we saw the rewards of that. 

How can I write the Word of God on my children's hearts if there are off at school all day surrounded by people who may not believe in God and are not allowed to share about Him even if they do?  How can I write God on their hearts if I am constantly running around, filling our time with activities that are more about giving me a break than teaching my children about God?

Keith has done a beautiful job of bringing our family into the word every night.  But this Holy Week has shown me that even this is not enough.  Children will become what they hear and see every day all day.  What I do with my children during the day is just as important as what we do with them as a family at night. 

I look around this world and I see heartbreak and sadness.  I see children bullying other children to the point of suicide.  I hear stories of 11 year olds hanging themselves.  We read about children bringing guns to school.  Girls get pregnant to have a baby who will love them (pardon me while I stop to laugh and cry here at the sad ignorance of this belief...).  Just as many "Christian" marriages end in divorce as non-Christian.  I certainly do not believe that I can save my children from all heartache and pain.  I know that they will face many hard times as they grow up.  But two things scream out to me here-

1.  I certainly need to prepare them for how to deal with pain and heartbreak and knowing the one true God is the only way to do that.

and

2.  I do not want my family to look anything like this culture. 

So, as Christians, on this Monday, this Monday that follows that oh so important Sunday, I ask you - what are we afraid of?  Why do we try to keep one foot in this culture?  Why are we so afraid of "looking different"?  We send our children mixed messages every time we make  decision that puts God's Word aside and chooses the cultural norm instead.  Following God's path may be harder - in fact I think it is ALWAYS harder.  I am probably the worst homeschooling mom there is....  I have a short temper and a propensity to yell.  But every time I do yell and I have to apologize, God humbles me a little more and makes me more like Him, and isn't THAT the point?  That we look more like Jesus and not everyone else? 

So Jesus spoke to me this week.  Our home, our lives need to drip with Jesus every day - not just in the days prior to a major Christian holiday.  We need to be in His world all day, every day in everything we do.  And here is the thing - last week, when we were soaked through and through with the living water - I was the homeschooling mom I so desire to be.  I was patient and kind.   I was focused on helping my children and not advancing my own agenda.  My selfishness took a backseat in my heart.  It had to, there was no room for it as the front seat was filled with Jesus.  Funny how it works that way.