Healing Begins (a song by Tenth Avenue North)

So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So I was pregnant, just a few days ago, I had a tiny baby inside my tummy.  We called her Hazelnut.  We call all our babies by nut names before we know if they are boys or girls.  Peanut, Cashew, Pecan, Almond… Hazelnut seemed a little gangly for a little baby but really, we were running out of nut names and Brazil or macadamia seemed worse.  I called Keith in Hong Kong and told him he was going to be a daddy again.  I could practically see him smiling through the phone. 

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

We’re here now… now I am not pregnant.

This is where the healing begins
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Baby Hazelnut is gone.  She went without much fuss.  I use “she” because Keith & I decided that Hazelnut is kind of a girly sounding nut and since we will not know the whole boy or girl thing until we get to heaven, we will just think she was a girl.  It is our prerogative, after all.  I really am doing all right with the whole thing.  I truly have a peace about it.  I know that something was not right.  I know that God has plans and this precious life that never made it into my arms will do great things for His kingdom just as I pray all my other children will.  But every once and a while a sadness creeps up on me.  A sadness that lies deeper than baby Hazelnut. 

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear

Today, in the silence of naptime the thought finally took shape.  I gave Him back one, He took back one.

So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound

So there it is.  I do not have one child in heaven waiting to meet me.  I have two.  The one I wanted and the one that I gave back.  The one that came out of a nightmare that I could not keep.  They both wait for me.

When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now

I am here now.  I am truly at peace with Hazelnut going to be with Jesus and I anticipate that day when I will hold her for the first time.  I do not believe this is some sort of punishment.  That is not my God.  But the death of baby Hazelnut has brought to my heart the death of that other sweet baby.  That baby who never got a cute, nutty name.  That baby whose second pink line was not celebrated.  That baby is on my heart.

Oh This is where the healing begins
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

The light meets the dark… The light of the joy of baby Hazelnut meets the dark of that other baby.  This IS where the healing begins. Healing from the loss of baby Hazelnut but really healing from the loss of that other precious baby.  And that healing really starts in the form of forgiveness. 

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

His blood can cover us.  His blood DOES cover us.  We just have to accept it.  I am forgiven.  I just have to allow that forgiveness to settle into the deep recesses of my heart.  I must allow the light of forgiveness to fill those recesses.  The dark places that I kept hidden until baby Hazelnut came and then went back to heaven.  I need to know that other precious baby sits in heaven and sees my heart, knows where I was when I made that horrific decision and knows that I regret it every single day.  I need to know that baby Hazelnut and that other precious baby sit together now, along side our incredible Savior, waiting for when they can meet me face to face.

This is where the healing begins
This is where the healing starts
Come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

This is WHERE the healing begins.  I can feel it seep through my heart, even as I type this.  I am not overwhelmed with sadness, I am saturated in peace.  I know there will be some days of tears ahead.  But it is the tears that make the good times taste even sweeter.  God is good and He is with me.