38 weeks...

So here I am, 38 weeks!  Wow, this little one will be here any day now.  I have generally delivered about three days early and usually on a Friday (which I hate, seems like I waste the weekend that Keith would have been home anyways!) so that would put her coming on on Friday, march 18th.  Not a bad day, as Isaiah Wilson's birthday is that day...  the 19th would be fun too since that is cousin Anna's birthday.... Of course, the reality is I have NO CONTROL over this!  And I HATE that. 

The last 38 weeks have been one big lesson in giving up control, recognizing some deep seeded issues with pride and the need to seek our Father for EVERYTHING.  I am a slow learner and I fear the lessons are not fully absorbed...

This has been a trying pregnancy.  I will not say "hard" because there are people out there who are having truly hard pregnancies - bed rest, little support from a husband, no husband, the reality that their little one has little or no chance of survival...  those are issues that I am so grateful that I have not had to deal with.

With that being said though, the last 38 weeks have been long.  Probably pretty long for my husband and my sweet friends too.  But what I have learned is that God is faithful and His is good.

I never dealt with more than one icky issue at a time...  I was not throwing up WHILE I had horrible ligament pain, the ligament pain was gone when I got the horrible respiratory infection...... one issue would pass and another would come... and for that I am so grateful!

Every time I felt like I could not do what needed to be done, there was someone there to help me.  People brought us dinners, babysat for me, watched my children for appointment or a date with Keith...  there were just always people there to help!

When I was feeling overwhelmed with guilt that I had not been writing out my prayers for this sweet child as I had with all the others, God gently reminded me that we do not need to be legalistic about things and I started praying for her each time I felt her move instead.

I could go on and on...  But perhaps the biggest lesson has been about my pride.  I am a horribly prideful.  It is a huge issue.  Not only do I want others to think I have it all together but I can hardly function if I really do not have it all together.  I want my house to be clean and neat.  I want to make good food.  I want to look good all the time.  I want my children to behave well.  I want that Martha Stewart life...  and not just looking like that, I want it to BE that. It is not about putting on a false front for others to believe I was doing everything right, it is a deep seeded desire to do everything right.  I certainly do not want to be fake.  I want to have it all together and when I do not I struggle to cope.

As my housekeeping got worse and worse (especially in the last month) my life got worse and worse.  It was an assault on my sanity.  But there was nothing I could do about it.  I was struggling through an upper respiratory infection that was the worst I have ever had and Keith was out of town, A LOT.   I was using all my energy (and there was not much) to keep the children alive and fed.  I kept my blinds closed and cried, A LOT. 

I am tough, I thought I had it together.  How could one little baby and an illness throw me so far off my game?  And the worse it got, the harder it was for me to be the mother or the loving wife God called me to be.  And it all hit a peak one evening when Keith had a neighborhood association meeting.  We were trying to get the little ones to bed before he had to leave for the meeting - or so I thought.  Then I heard him downstairs vacuuming and I realized the meeting was at our house.  People, my neighbors were going to be in our house in about five minutes.  The floors were dirty, the tables covered in dust.  The playroom was a mess and the kitchen barely cleaned up from dinner.  I WAS MORTIFIED.  How could I have forgotten?  And as I tried to apologize to my neighbors for the mess, it struck my what a prideful person I am...  Keeping the blinds closed so others could not see my mess did not change the fact that the mess was there.  While it did hide the reality from others that I was slowly falling to pieces because I could not do it all, it did not change the reality that I was indeed falling to pieces.  The perfection I so desired was an impossible dream and everyone around me was suffering because I just could not grasp that. 

And the further I fell from perfection in one area, the further I fell in others.  The house was a disaster, so I was frustrated.  My patience waned and I took it out on the children.  My frustration with them increased because I saw them as part of the problem.  If they would just be neater, the house would not be falling to pieces and then I would feel more in control,  if they would just obey then I would not get so cranky, if they would just....  if they would just....  And the irony in this was all it did was draw me further from that "I got it all together mom" that I was trying to be.  I would yell or be short with them and then beat myself up mentally for hours after...  causing me to be even grumpier...  a viscous cycle...


But God is gentle and kind.  He loves me, even those prideful parts!  He used my incredible husband to speak truth into my heart.  He brought me to a place where I could see all that I was striving for was impossible.  He brought me to the foot of the cross, where all that "stuff" had already been paid for.

So 38 weeks.  I am feeling a lot better.  I am still congested.  I think if I had not had the last four weeks of horrible congestion this might feel bad but by comparison, this feels great.  I no longer just "want to get this over with".  Although I hate "not knowing" when Macyn will get here, I am content to wait for her and enjoy this time before she comes.

I do wish I had faced the last 37 weeks a little more valiantly, less whining, more seeking God.  But I also know that long before God planted this little baby in my womb, He knew that this would be a tough time for me.  He knew exactly how each day would go and yet He still chose to give me this gift...  So despite my desperate attempts for control, I will lean on Him and let Him lead the way!