<sup>The Book of James, chapter 1 starts off - 

2</sup> Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. ⁶ But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. ⁷ That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. ⁸ Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.

I am supposed to be working on producing a lesson from this section of scpriture (actually all the way through verse 18).  I have had this assignment since February.  Thank goodness I am not actually teaching it any time soon or I would be in a bit of a pickle.  It is a great passage and so much of it can be directly applied to my life over the past year.  But I just cannot seem to get started on it.

Tonight, however, I wanted to really think about verses 6 - 8.  Verse 5 tells us that if we are lacking wisdom, to ask God and it will be given.  But then in verse 6 we are told that when we ask, we MUST believe and not doubt.  We are told that a person who has doubt should not expect to receive anything from God. 

This strikes so close to home with me.  So often I find myself asking for wisdom from God and even as I pray it, I can feel that lack of belief in me.  I NEVER doubt God's ability to do anything.  I fully believe that God is indeed all-powerful.  However, many times I do not think I want the wisdom He will provide.  I am like a petulant child.  I want the answer I want - not the answer that needs to be given.

And I have spent an enormous amount of my life like a wave at sea being tossed about by the wind. 

So where does this lack of belief come from?  I could say it comes from a lack of trust in God but as I sit here, I realize that it goes deeper than that.  What it really is, deep down, is pride.  Arrogant, pride.  Just like Eve thought she knew better when she ate that fruit, so do I think I know better.  When I pray, seeking wisdom from God, I know He is able to provide it.  I also know His wisdom may lead me down the path I did not want to go.  This is where my ugly pride jumps in.  Why doesn't God see that I KNOW WHAT IS BEST FOR ME?  My arrogance in believing that I know what is best, leads to a lack of trust in God and there I am - seeking God with a disbelieving heart.  A wave tossed about in the ocean. 

There have been some challenging times over the past year.  I have struggled in my walk with the Lord.  Not because I have ever doubted who He is but because I have been like my precious two year old daughter Ryen.  I fully understand who is in charge and who has the most power - I just did not like it.  I wanted to go my own way.  When I did seek God, it was with an arrogant heart.  I was not looking for God to provide me with His best.  I was asking Him to give me what I wanted, so short sighted, never realizing that my "wants" were so much smaller than God's desires for my life.

When we seek wisdom from God, we need to understand that He truly has our best interest at heart.  The path he guides us down may be difficult.  It may be the road less taken but it is our road, designed for us before we were born by the creator of all things. 

Humm...  this is a start.  This is all very disjointed right now so all two people who read this - just have patience with me.  I have a lot more thoughts that deal with seeking wisdom, enduring trials with perseverance and considering them to be a joy...  I will work on those another time.  Now I am going to exercise for the first time since baby Macyn was born!