So here is the realization that hit me yesterday..  I am a big fat, fatty.  Now, before the six people who do read this get all up in arms - I am NOT asking you to comment and say "Oh, no your not!"  Because the reality is, I AM a big fat, fatty.  I realized yesterday that I am about two pounds shy of the weight I was when Bowden was BORN (that means 40 weeks pregnant!).

Yesterday I went to get some of those cool workout shoes that Sketchers make.  I have been eying them for a while and I knew that I needed to get into shape.  I had some birthday money that I was going to spoil myself with so I decided to get the shoes and some cute workout clothes.  Here is the thing though - you cannot get cute workout clothes when you are plus sized.  I looked at Dillard's (thinking I would support my husband's company AND use the discount) and everything was just too small.  Then a light bulb went off...

Lane Bryant.  I have shopped there before.  They do have really cute clothes for larger women so I will just go there and get some things.  So I walked in, found the first sales associate and asked "Where are the workout clothes?"

You would have thought I had asked for the size 2 clothing.  She looked like I was speaking a foreign tongue and then garbled something at me about a rack towards the back holding coordinates.  As I looked through them, I realized that these clothes WERE NOT workout clothes.  They were just cotton tops and pants.   Heavy cotton.   Not something that would feel good to workout in.

This is what I do not understand - I need to workout because I have put on some weight.  I cannot find suitable workout clothes because I need to workout....?  Hummm.

So, I have always thought positively about Lane Bryant.  They serve a good purpose.  Most of us are NOT supermodel thin.  Women, regardless of size, should be able to find nice clothing to wear.  But I was a little taken aback by the fact that the thought of them carrying some fitness clothes was so shocking.  My current "Wow, I am a big fat fatty & I need to eat better & workout" is not about getting back to the size I was when I was married.  It is about living a healthy lifestyle.  Something I have not done since Ryen was born.  Wouldn't you think a store that advertises themselves as empowering to women would think that a healthy lifestyle can be encouraged without making women feel bad about their size?

But is that true?  Can we encourage women to live a healthy lifestyle without making them feel bad?  I mean let's be honest, it was the reality that nothing in XL size fits me the truly opened my eyes to the life of lazy, gluttony I have been living!

And here is another thought, do we really want to be encouraged to have a healthy lifestyle?  Or does a store like Lane Bryant just enable us to do what we want, eat how we please then put on stylish, cute clothes.

As I said earlier, I have always thought Lane Bryant was a good store - but I can assure you, I would never have stepped inside one prior to giving birth to my second child.  If I had the feeling that I was putting on some weight, I watched what I was eating and started working out more.  But sometime after Evynn was born, I was looking for something to wear for her baby dedication and I walked in.  I justified myself by saying that I was buying their smallest size and it was almost too big on me.   Sometime between Evynn and Kailyn I got my act together and though I was not as small as I had been, I was healthy and pretty happy with it.  I could fit into a reasonable size for my height.

The decisions I made during my pregnancy with Ryen and after her birth are a whole different story though.  I know there are lots of people out there saying "give yourself some grace..."  BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!  I am going to speak some harsh truths right now.    There is nothing wrong with having a sweet treat now and then.  There is nothing wrong with skipping a workout here and there.  But here is the reality - gluttony is a sin (one of the seven deadly...) and I am fairly certain eating a Sam's Club size bag of M&M's over the course of a couple of days is gluttony.  Eating french fries several times a week is gluttony.  I could go on and on here.  I am responsible for what goes in my mouth and I have used the excuse of being tired, liking the way food tastes, being stressed, the list could go on and on to live in sin.

I wake up every morning desiring to grow closer with my Savior.  I pray, I read the Bible, I go to church.  I surround myself with other believers who I ask to hold me accountable to God's word.  If I were lying or cheating on my husband, if I were abusing my children or spending recklessly these friends would call me out on it immediately.  Yet no one wants to ever call over eating what it is - gluttony, a sin.

God has called us to regard our bodies as a temple.  And isn't that exactly what it is?  The Holy Spirit lives in my heart.  The Holy Spirit is part of the Tri-une God - doesn't this make my body a temple to the one true God?  And every time overindulge myself, I am desecrating that temple!

Please understand, this is NOT about what size I am.  This about being healthy.  This is about living a life of self-control.  This is about honoring God with all that He has blessed us with and excess of any kind does not honor Him.  I am not saying that I should not ever shop at Lane Bryant.  I am saying though, that I should not use the fact that I can get cute, stylish clothes regardless of my size to eat everything that I can fit into my mouth.  I am saying Lane Bryant (and other places that carry plus size clothing) should carry suitable workout clothes.  

So, I am sure you six readers will hear a lot more about this new path.  I am truly convicted about this.  Does that mean a french fry will never again touch these lips?  NO!  If I were on a deserted island and there was only one food, it would be french fries.  I want to live a healthy life and just as excess is wrong so is deprivation.  However, I am recommitting to finding the joy I used to have for working out and I am going to work very hard to rework how my family eats.

I went to a great conference this past weekend on Discipliship.  It was amazing.  I had the chance to be discipled  by Kay Arthur and several other incredible, God - Loving women for a day and a half.  I also got to spend great time with four other great friends.  I felt like a sponge that was beyond saturated.  It was amazing.  I would like to spend several blogs talking about all that I learned from these women however, today I am going to just touch on something that has really been on my heart lately.

I am a spoiled, wretched, lazy woman.  I am opinionated and passionate.  I spend a lot of time getting irritated because people do not do things the way I think they should be done, the way I know they should be done.  I get frustrated with my children, I get irritated with my husband, I get annoyed with my friends & aquaintences.  It has come to my attention lately, though, that all though I have been blessed by all these relationships in my life, my interaction with them has NOTHING to do with them.  It has to do with me and really not about me but with me and JESUS.  I do not want to say that Jesus does not care about how other people treat me (because I am sure that He desires for them to be kind, patient, loving gentle....) but I am going to say that I do believe that Jesus does not care how people treat me in context of how I treat them in return.

Got that?  Because I am not sure if I do. I am not sure if I am even typing that correctly... I will give some examples.

Jesus does NOT CARE how people treat me in context with how I treat them in return.  Jesus does not care if someone does not show up to an event I planned - what He cares about is that I respond in the Spirit (ie the FRUIT... love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, self-control).  I cannot find "smarting off about the importance of MY time" on that list.

Jesus does not care if my children run wild through the house, stopping up toilets and breaking down banisters - what He cares about is that I spend each day writing the Word of God on their hearts (and I cannot find screaming at them until the neighbor comes over to check on us - okay, THAT has never happened - anywhere in Deuteronomy). 

Jesus does not care that my husband decided that vacuuming out his car was more important than bathing the little ones even though I asked him to bathe the little ones - what He cares about is that I treat my husband with respect (and I have TRIED to find appropriate eye rolling and sighing SOMEWHERE in the Bible but have yet to come up with a verse).  

What matters is MY relationship with Jesus.  Am I glorifying Him in everything I do?  Am I honoring Him and the incredible sacrifice He made for me in the way I respond to people?  As I type this, it sounds a little self-focused - it is not about others, it is about me - but really, it is completely the opposite.  IT IS NOT ABOUT ME AT ALL.  When I choose to respond to anger, irritation, frustration- I am making it ALL ABOUT ME.  I have been wronged I I feel the need to let EVERYONE know about it.  When I stop and allow the Holy Spirit to fill me, when I step aside and let the Spirit respond, it is about Jesus.  It is about what HE deserves from us because of what he endured for us. 

I used to laugh at all that "WWJD" stuff everywhere but really, now, I am realizing that is exactly what I should think about before I EVER open my mouth.  What WOULD Jesus do right now?  Would he making a quipy snipe?  Would He lash out in anger?  Would He roll his eyes?  Probably not.  And let's be honest, when we look at what we have been saved from, it is clear to see - it IS all about Jesus.

So I have not blogged a lot lately...  It is not that I do not have much to say, I can just rarely find the time to sit and type out my thoughts.... 
I learned yesterday that the man who gave me my big break in coaching passed away on Saturday.  He was a good man who took a risk on a young, under-experienced coach.  I will always appreciate all that he did for me.  The life I have now is a direct result of the chance he took on me 12 years ago.

God is good, even in sad times and I can do nothing more than sit and marvel at how He used a sport and an athletic director to bring me to the place where I would give me heart, my life to Him.  Thank you to Dan Viola for taking the chance on me and being a part of this blessed life I now lead!!!!

Some random thoughts on a cold, sleety day in Central Arkansas...

As a mom, sometimes you are going to get poop on your fingers - there is just NO WAY to avoid it.....

A day filled with winter weather really does not change anything that a homeschooling family would do normally... bummer....  we took a snow day anyway!

Watching your ten month old dance to the tune from Diego is the cutest thing ever...









Two year olds cry A LOT...  and they cannot speak very clearly even when they are not crying...  I might try to help her with what she wants if only I could understand her!!!!



Two year olds smile and laugh a lot and there is nothing sweeter than when she say, in the demanding way only a two year can "HUG ME"

It is no use trying to convince a 5 year old, 4 year old and 2 year old that the white stuff on the ground is NOT snow but just hard, icky, sleety, ice and it is not fun to play in....

 (yes, she is making a "snow" angel in a 1/2 a cent. of ice)

The excitement of getting a working washer wore off pretty quickly and I am back to thinking laundry is a pain

If I am ever feeling burdened by most anything in my life, I just need to pick up Little House on the Prairie and read all that Ma did each day

A friend said to me once that it does not do us any good to submit to God in one area of our lives if we are going to disobey in another area....

This has been on my heart a lot since then in so many ways.  It is perhaps the single most impacting piece of advice I have ever been given by one of the wisest people I know.

I look at my life and I see areas where I have submitted and done as I feel the Lord is leading me.  But then there are so many areas where I just completely go in my own way.  I am quick to speak, quick to anger, quick to share my opinion - which I do rather passionately and that has a tendency to offend others.

If you would have told me yen years ago I would be praying for a meek and humble spirit, I would have laughed at you.  But here I am, a wife, a mother, a friend....  and I realize that this is exactly what I need.  I always thought that being meek was a horrible thing but today I looked it up in the dictionary -  Meek is defined as showing patience and humility.

Hummmm, I could use some of that in just about EVERY area I listed above.. wife, mother & friend

So then I looked up humble - not proud or arrogant; modest.

Hummmmm, could use A LOT of that is EVERY area listed above ....  wife, mother & friend

James 1:19 says that "everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger for a man's anger does not bring about the righteous life God desires."

How many times have I be quick to react and it EVER turns out well for me or anyone else involved?  Does a quick response ever get me what I want?  When I snap at my husband does he suddenly realize "Oh, Natasha was right" and do what I want?  No.  And if he does just do what I want I get even more upset because I realize he is just doing what I want because I snapped at him, not because he believes it is the right thing to do.  Either way, it turns out poorly and usually leads to more snapping (yelling)!
If I would have been slow to speak, shared my thoughts in a way that was meek & humble, perhaps he would have seen my wisdom or perhaps not but the yelling might have been avoided.

When I just react and say "NO" to my children without giving thought to what they have asked, I set myself up for tears and gnashing of teeth (on everyone's part).  There are many time, after I have said no, that I realize what they are asking for really was not that big of a deal.  But by that point in time, their whining has gotten so bad that I cannot change my answer for fear that they will believe that the whining was what got their desired outcome.   Had I been a little meek (patient) in my response, I would have realized this and avoided all the drama.

And my friends?  They are constantly bombarded with my arrogance and opinions.  I am not really sure why they put up with me at all!!! 

So here I am, looking down the barrel of the next big thing God wants... my pride, my arrogance.   But then I realize that if I give this up God will replace it with something so much better... a spirit that is modest, patient and full of humility - it does not sound so bad after all.

The big lesson for the day? I pray each day that God will let me catch my children when they do something wrong so I can correct them and train them up in the way that they should go. So, B got in some trouble as we were trying to get out the door to church and I was very frustrated. Not only with what he had done but also with the reality that having to deal with his disobedience was interrupting MY agenda.

My agenda.

It is a good agenda. Trying to get out the door to get to church.

But really, isn't my overall agenda, my job, my given purpose from God to train up my children in the way they should go?

Everything else, getting to church, getting the house cleaned, making dinner... all of it, should pail in light of the main my real, God given purpose - training up my children. I need to rejoice when my children disobey so that I have the opportunity to train them in the way they should go.

When our children are little, do we sing praises that our little ones act out in ways that we can easily see and use as learning opportunities or do we sigh, roll our eyes and get angry? I know what my response is and I am certain that there is nothing about it that pleases God.

Thank you Lord, for training me!

I am a wretched sinner. The burden with which the sins of my life bears down on me is formidable. I wake each morning alive and new, believing that I can start fresh, I can do it right. I will not repeat the mistakes of yesterday. Only to find myself muddled down in the mire of my sin once again (usually before breakfast).

For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate.
Romans 7:15

I am actually so grateful for feeling this so strongly right now. It is easy, in our charmed lives, to forget how completely and totally we need our Savior. I have very few (if any) physical needs that are left unmet. When I am hungry, I peruse the vast stores of food we have. When I am thirsty, I have plenty to drink. When I am cold, I turn up the heater. when I am hot, I crank up the AC. Whatever I cannot find in my house is only a short drive away. When I am lonely talk to my husband, play with my children, call a friend. I settled quit nicely into domestic life and forgot that there is nothing I can do that will make me worthy of the salvation I have been given. There has been no need to drop to my knees in submission and worship of the one who chose me.

The pressure of my sin that has been bearing down on me is a joyful reminder of the reality that I need to be on my knees (literally) submitting my life to the one who has redeemed me. God is not just a God of salvation, He is a God of sanctification. He is perfecting me. It will take my lifetime to do it but He loves me and He is not finished with me yet. Oh what joy I feel at realizing that the pain of my sin draws me closer to the One who loves me most. Oh what peace I feel at knowing that this life that lays before me is one that God has been with from before I was born and will be with throughout my days until the end. Oh what joy I feel at knowing that this end will complete that sanctification and finally I will be free of the pressure of these sins! God is good and I feel Him so vividly I can feel his arms holding me up.

Thank you, Lord, for these pressures that remind me to get on my knees. Thank you, Lord, for loving me so much that you would train and teach me so that I will one day no longer languish in the pain of doing what I do not want to... It is well with my soul!