Confession

Romans 7:15-20 (New International Version)

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.... For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.

Or to put it another way.....

Romans 7:15-20 (The Message)
What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. ...
...For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

Yesterday my husband looked at our credit card statement and the reality of a secret I have been hiding came to light. I have a problem. I have a problem with self-control. In manifests itself in three big areas of my life right now. Money, food and anger. So, I have come here to confess my sins and maybe seek some accountability. Even as I type this, I have a knot in my stomach. I would much rather keep these secrets to myself. Keith and I talked at length about this last night. He knows everything. And God certainly knows everything. But as Keith pointed out, there is something to be said about accountability partners - people who help to keep you on track.

Let's talk about secrets first. Satan loves a secret. As long as I keep my secrets, then he can use them build guilt in my heart. As long as guilt is surrounding my heart, my communion with God is stinted, maybe even shut down. My connection with others is crippled. When holding onto a secret, we forget that God has ALREADY forgiven us for our sins. THAT debt has been paid. We hide in shame from something God already knows we did and we shrink away from the life of abundance that we have been promised, thinking we are not worthy. Secrets also keep us from getting help and helping others. How many others struggle with our same issues but out of fear and embarrassment, we keep the secret and lose out on the chance to help & be helped.

So now let's talk about confession. Brandon talked about confession on Sunday. I do not have time to go back and listen to all he said (nap is almost over & Bowden is being really good entertaining himself but how long will that last?) But the gist of what God said to me there was confession is NOT about admitting to God what we did (He already knows) but about stating it out in the open so that the issue can be dealt with and resolved. Blanket confessions are not enough. "Hey, God, I am sorry I spent too much money this week..." I could go on and on about this... I would like to because then I do not have to get to the actual confession part - but let's just say, I need to confess because it takes the power from what I have done away from Satan and gives God the power to help me move past my sin.

So here goes,

1. I spend money we do not have and then I try to keep my husband from finding out so I can pay it off with money I get from pitching lessons. This is not the first time I have done it. This time it was over $1000 over a couple of months.

2. I have serious issue with eating too much and eating things that are bad for me.

3. I get angry with my children and yell it them in a very harsh way.

All three of these things boil down to self-control & my lack of it. I feel like I have been a hypocrite over the past couple of months as I have seen these areas of my life spiraling out of control and tried to let everyone think that I have GOT IT ALL TOGETHER.

The Scripture I posted to start this off scream to me every day. I know the life I am supposed to live and I just cannot seem to get there. I wake up each morning with good intentions and then one thing or another will happen and I start to slip down a slope of sin. Then I listen to satan whisper in my ear and I am overwhelmed with guilt. How could I talk to anyone about what I am going through? They would NEVER understand. And they would JUDGE me.

Let me say, I have the best husband ever. He is an encourager and a man of God. My sins financially have been a burden on him and he is neither angry nor discouraged. As I have gained A LOT of weight, he has always shown me how much he loves me and is attracted to me. As I have struggled with being harsh to our children, he has prayed with me and helped to lighten my load. God has blessed our family with a man who will lead us in His path.

Another thing, many might say these struggles are related to having four children in 4 1/2 years and I would say strongly that is not so. These are things I have struggled with my ENTIRE adult life. I can remember when I used to go to the GAP and spend $400 $500 without a thought (back when I was single). I always lived paycheck to paycheck and had people calling about past due bills. I have always struggled with eating issues. Back before children I bounced back and forth between eating too much and not eating at all. And as for anger, ask any of my old players and they will tell you that I certainly had anger issues.

Perhaps having all these children has brought these issues to a head. Perhaps it is that I see the effect these issues have on the people I love more now and I am more moved by it... Whatever it is, I do know that my life cannot continue to roller coaster through these sinful actions. I want more for my family than this. I want to be the wife and mother God has called me to be.

So that is my confession.