Growing

So part of the reality of a confession is to grow and move past the issues that have caused you to sin in the first place. And although I talked about three areas in my life that I am struggling with last time and I am very concerned about my struggle with money and food, it is my struggle with my children that grieves me the most.
But here is the thing about God, sin, secrets and satan. As long as satan can convince you told hold your sin and secrets to your chest, he can keep you from truly seeking help and revelation. He keeps you from growing past what it is that keeps you locked in that sin.
Yesterday we were getting ready to go to the park to play. The little ones were acting crazy (excited to go... being their age). I got frustrated at being ignored and I could feel myself filling up with anger. I threw a toy down and stomped out of the room, crying. Keith followed me and we talked for a couple of minutes. I was unable to express to him what I was feeling and he was unable to understand what I was going through. I told him that we should just head to the park and we could talk there. I was feeling calmer and I wanted the little ones to have the fun time promised.

We headed off to the park and were having a nice time when Evynn fell and hurt her nose (she is fine now and I will not go into all that for sake of time). Keith and I decided we should take her to Children's to get it checked out.
As we were driving there (after dropping two off at Jennifer's) he and I had a chance to talk and really began to understand each other.
Here is what I have been thinking - there are two areas that I struggle with –

One, feeling like if I do not teach them to obey immediately and right now (I mean while they are young) they will grow up to be disobedient adults who cannot function & follow God's will for their lives and…

Two, that when I get mad at them it scars them for life. Every time I lose my temper and yell at my children, I feel that it is going to causing permanent damage.

I understand that they are going to act like little children. THAT IS WHAT THEY ARE. But the burden of believing I must see the results of training “them up” right now coupled with the belief that I am ruining them every time I raise my voice in frustration is overwhelming me. It is a pretty heavy burden to bear and one that my husband pointed out as wrong. I feel like that one moment is going to damage them for all eternity. First because I have obviously NOT trained them well and second because I got mad and yelled at them. My frustration that I feel does not have anything to do with them. It has to do with me.

I struggle with this burden every day. I mean, really, I do not spend all day yelling at my children. We actually have a lot of fun together. But I am so convinced that any moment disobedience followed by my "losing it" and yelling at them is going to cause permanent damage that I when I do lose it, I spiral. I get frustrated with myself, and then my focus is no longer on God and the Holy Spirit (and let's be honest, the only way to get through parenting with any amount of calmness is through the Holy Spirit).

So that is it, satan has won that battle. He has taken my focus away from God and turned it on to myself. Then I tend to get more frustrated and yell more, feeling more guilty, more condemning, more frustration, more yelling, more guilt... you see where this is going.

So yesterday, BECAUSE I AM NO LONGER KEEPING SECRETS, Keith exposed the lies I was telling myself.

Who would not feel enormous amounts of pressure, thinking EVERY mistake will be life ruining? For the first time, HE UNDERSTOOD why I was feeling so crazy about this. We were able to identify it and attack satan's lies through prayer!

Today, at the end of church we sang a beautiful song about how much God loves us and as I sang, I was actually brought to my knees, overwhelmed by His love. Overwhelmed by the reality that is actually feels good to be broken by Him. These last few days have been hard. It is hard to let down the people who love you the most. It is hard to really look at behaviors, label them and attack them. It is hard to be exposed. But is also feels really good. The other thing about secrets is that you get so caught up in them that you can no longer focus on the One who loves us the most . These are the words from that song and I am struck by the first line... He is jealous for me... He wants all my attention, all my love... He does not want me to get all caught up in manufactured drama...



He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane
I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy

When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful You are
And how great Your affections are for me

And oh, how He loves us so
Oh how He loves us
How He loves us all
Yeah, He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves

And we are His portion and
He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking
And Heaven meets Earth like an unforeseen kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest

I don't have time to maintain these regrets When I think about, the way...