Agendas

I became a mother 7 years ago this month.  It seems like an eternity ago, it seems like yesterday.  Time is weird like that.
My struggle over the last seven years has been the same - the battle over who's agenda I will follow.  It started before my baby boy was born when I read Babywise (which I STILL strongly recommend).  The book fed my need for control. 

"If I do everything RIGHT the baby will do what I want it to..."

Sweet thought but it does not take into account that freewill God granted each of us back on the sixth day.

I will say, as I have started parenting my fifth child, I am much less crazed about her schedule and whether or not she eats every three hours, sleeps through the night or gets to nap at 1pm.  I have become more relaxed with each child in the area of baby things.

However, my poor, sweet son seems to deal with the brunt of my learning curve.  My hard headed desire to follow my own agenda as opposed to God's.

He is the first, which means he is the trailblazer.  The one that mommy learns on.  And mommy is a slow learner.

Each day, I have to remind myself that my agenda needs to be based in what God has called me to.  Not what I want to do.  Now, God has called me to be a keeper of my home.  That means there are some things that HAVE to get done. 

We have to eat. 

We do have to keep things relatively neat (contrary to some advice that I have gotten about just letting everything go around the house so I can play with my children all day, I do believe that in order to function smoothly a house with seven people in it has to be kept some what neat and clean). 

We have to do school (God has called us to homeschool and I cannot just ignore what that means).

However, every day I struggle with seeking God first or just doing what I want.  I struggle with what the world is calling me to and what God is calling me to.  Because all those things listed above need to come amidst following God's agenda -

And God's agenda is to teach my children about God's love for us & how to love God.  Regardless of what ANYONE says, every parent teaches their children about God (even atheists) but that is a WHOLE other blog!  My job is to seek God first every day, allow the Holy Spirit to shine through me and reflect God to my children.


So while I am "keeping my home" I need to be teaching my children of God's love.

While I am feeding my family I need to be teaching my children of God's love.

And what is the point if homeschooling if first and foremost I am not teaching them of God's love?

But some how, every day, I look away.  I let their frustrating behavior get under my skin and the reflection I give of God is twisted and distorted. 

I need to see EVERY opportunity as a chance to reflect God's love and teach of God's love.  I need to stop focusing on my agenda of "getting out the door"...

"cleaning up the playroom"...

"getting them into bed"...

...as the end goal.  The end goal should be that each encounter with my children heightens their desire to get to know God on their own.  Each encounter should draw my children to a place of desiring God because they see the attributes of God as desirable. 

So while cleaning the playroom,  making dinner or getting them to bed with clean teeth are an important parts of keeping my home (something God has called me to) it all means nothing if I cannot accomplish these things in a way that follows God's agenda. 

Seven years of motherhood and I am STILL struggling with this!  Man, I have a slow learning curve! 

I am in the midst of my 21 days of prayer for my son and it has been going really well.  Have I seen a HUGE change in Bowden?  NO!  He is a six year old boy and he acts just like a six year old boy.  However, I have seen a huge change in myself.  I had been floundering a bit in my walk for a while now.  By floundering I do NOT mean my faith was shaken.  I had just gotten caught up in the every day craziness of my life and was not spending much time close with our Lord.  He wants that.  We NEED that.  I would throw up prayers here and there, I would read the Bible each day but I was not spending any time at the the feet of our Savior.  He wants that.  We NEED that. 
I have found much more joy in each day.  I carve out some time every afternoon to read through the devotional, pray through the Scriptures and then underline each of the verses in a Bible that I will someday give to Bowden.  When I pray, I am down on my knees.  I have found that there are two ways that I pray well, journaling and on my knees.  Right now I am really feeling called to pray on my knees.
I love that each afternoon I tell my children "Mommy is going to do Bible time".  I am hoping it is a tangible example of what God has called us to. 
My life is good.  My life is crazy.  My heart overflows with desire for my children to walk a worthy life with our Lord.  Praying the Scriptures each day for that to happen has given me a peace about this.  Suddenly I feel the urge to pray ALL THE TIME.  I am once again noticing that call to stop the midst of something to pray for someone. Prayer begets prayer, I think.  My focus is no longer on myself and what I want.  It is focused on seeking God's will (and specifically for my son). 
I am excited for this to continue.  I have GREAT plans.  When I am done praying for Bowden, I will get another Bible and pray for Evynn.  When I am done with Evynn, I will do the same for Kailyn, then Ryen, then Macyn and so on.  After I have gone through one time, I will start over again.  The thought of presenting each of them the Word of God that I prayed from throughout their childhood when they are launched into adulthood fills me with excitement.
There is NOTHING AS POWERFUL as prayer.  God has called me to my knees and that is where I want to stay!

21 Days of prayer for my boy

I love how God works.  LOVE. IT. 
Just Wednesday I posted that I was having trouble getting in the word AND I wanted to find a way to get my son in the word as well.
This morning, after having ANOTHER frustrating run in with my son, I was thinking about HOW BADLY I wanted this boy.  I prayed and prayed for a boy and God answered that prayer.  He is exactly what I wanted and yet I find myself at wit's end with him all the time.  I love this boy more than I love my own life (I love my girls this way too but that is for another post, when they are all teenagers driving me batty!). I have felt this burden on my heart for him lately.  I do KNOW IN MY HEART that God put this tender-hearted boy in a family full of sisters for a reason.  I do know that God wants to use this boy for amazing things.  And yet I worry about him being surrounded by us women all day long. 
So today I had a free moment to check some of the blogs I follow and found a link to this site;

http://www.brookemcglothlin.com/warriorprayers/

There is an ebook and group of mothers that are committed to  praying for their  sons over 21 days.  The group started on Wednesday (I missed the first two days but can easily catch up).

I am SO excited how God provided this answer.  I need to pray.  I need to draw closer to my son's heavenly Father.  I am so excited about this and I would encourage anyone of the three people who read this who have sons (or know someone who does) to join me.  I will be commenting on the process through my blog. 

Our sons are under attack in this culture.  Men of integrity are no longer valued.  We need to lift our boys up in prayer to the one and only who can lead them to live lives of irresistible influence for the kingdom of Christ!

Time in the Word

I have been struggling with this for myself AND my children.  we do a nighty Bible time 4 - 5 nights a week.  However, i would like to start Bowden on a daily quiet time now that he is getting a little more proficient in his reading.  The problem is I do not know how to go about this.  Any ideas? 

Other than that...  Just enjoying life with five little ones.... here are some pics!


                                            Sweet, sweet Evynn

                                    


     Ryen and Isaiah watching a movie (they turned on the TV themselves)

                                     

                  Baby Macyn sleeping at the park

                                        


            Ryen LOVES to swing

                                        

  She is ALL smiles

                                    

      Bowden graduated from a tiger cub to a wolf cub

                                             

         Evynn helped make cupcakes for K's birthday

                                           

    Best friends

                                          Kailyn turned four!

                                                 The Donleys came by to say happy birthday



                                                      Ryen LOVES her big brother

                                                  


                                                  The Crazies!!!

                                                        Macyn

<sup>The Book of James, chapter 1 starts off - 

2</sup> Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. ⁶ But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. ⁷ That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. ⁸ Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.

I am supposed to be working on producing a lesson from this section of scpriture (actually all the way through verse 18).  I have had this assignment since February.  Thank goodness I am not actually teaching it any time soon or I would be in a bit of a pickle.  It is a great passage and so much of it can be directly applied to my life over the past year.  But I just cannot seem to get started on it.

Tonight, however, I wanted to really think about verses 6 - 8.  Verse 5 tells us that if we are lacking wisdom, to ask God and it will be given.  But then in verse 6 we are told that when we ask, we MUST believe and not doubt.  We are told that a person who has doubt should not expect to receive anything from God. 

This strikes so close to home with me.  So often I find myself asking for wisdom from God and even as I pray it, I can feel that lack of belief in me.  I NEVER doubt God's ability to do anything.  I fully believe that God is indeed all-powerful.  However, many times I do not think I want the wisdom He will provide.  I am like a petulant child.  I want the answer I want - not the answer that needs to be given.

And I have spent an enormous amount of my life like a wave at sea being tossed about by the wind. 

So where does this lack of belief come from?  I could say it comes from a lack of trust in God but as I sit here, I realize that it goes deeper than that.  What it really is, deep down, is pride.  Arrogant, pride.  Just like Eve thought she knew better when she ate that fruit, so do I think I know better.  When I pray, seeking wisdom from God, I know He is able to provide it.  I also know His wisdom may lead me down the path I did not want to go.  This is where my ugly pride jumps in.  Why doesn't God see that I KNOW WHAT IS BEST FOR ME?  My arrogance in believing that I know what is best, leads to a lack of trust in God and there I am - seeking God with a disbelieving heart.  A wave tossed about in the ocean. 

There have been some challenging times over the past year.  I have struggled in my walk with the Lord.  Not because I have ever doubted who He is but because I have been like my precious two year old daughter Ryen.  I fully understand who is in charge and who has the most power - I just did not like it.  I wanted to go my own way.  When I did seek God, it was with an arrogant heart.  I was not looking for God to provide me with His best.  I was asking Him to give me what I wanted, so short sighted, never realizing that my "wants" were so much smaller than God's desires for my life.

When we seek wisdom from God, we need to understand that He truly has our best interest at heart.  The path he guides us down may be difficult.  It may be the road less taken but it is our road, designed for us before we were born by the creator of all things. 

Humm...  this is a start.  This is all very disjointed right now so all two people who read this - just have patience with me.  I have a lot more thoughts that deal with seeking wisdom, enduring trials with perseverance and considering them to be a joy...  I will work on those another time.  Now I am going to exercise for the first time since baby Macyn was born! 

Gifts from Above - Lessons Macyn has taught me

Macyn Heather

Baby number five has been full of LOTS of lessons for me.  Some, I learned easily.  Some, I learned the hard way.  Some, I have yet to learn.  I am a bit strong willed at times.  Not sure why I am shocked by my children. 

I was 39 weeks and five days when I went into labor with Macyn.  I woke up in the morning with contractions but they were spotty, just like they had been days and days previous.  I had a feeling that it might be the day, but I did not want to get my hopes up.  Or my fear up.  I was delivering Macyn naturally and to say that I was anxious about it would be an understatement. 

If you know me, you probably already know that I delivered Ryen naturally and it was awful and great all at the same time.  The problem started with the misconception I had that my epidurals for my previous two births had not worked at all.  The births of Evynn & Kailyn WERE painful, but NOTHING compared to Ryen.  So prior to Ryen, we decided “Forget the drugs, let’s just do it the way God intended!”  We prepared for this by reading and practicing the Bradley Method and I walked into labor feeling VERY confident.  My husband will say that I did a great job but there was some serious panic moments topped with me trying to climb out of the bed and yelling at the doctor when he sauntered in just in time to catch Ryen before she hit the floor.  I was not proud of how it went.  I knew I would do better now that I understood the reality of what it would feel like with no medication at all.  But I was scared.  Our lives were crazier this time around and we did not have near enough time to practice the way we had with Ryen. 

As the date grew closer, I tried to find times to lay and practice relaxing but could never get to the point where I felt like I had it under control.  During the rounds of “warm up” labor, I was left feeling like I was going to fall short again.  But God is faithful and He tells us to seek Him in all things so I started praying.  I started praying for a short delivery.  I started praying in groanings that only the Holy Spirit could understand. 

So as that day progressed and I started to realize that she was going to make her big entrance, my God answered my prayers in ways I could not have understood prior to it all.  I worked through the early labor in the couch in our living room, watching March Madness and trying to get a few things done between contractions.  Ryen was all over me and when (at about 5:30) she put her fingers in my mouth while I was having a rather large contraction, I decided it was time to head to the hospital.  They were still not coming with any regularity (three three minutes apart and then 15 minutes with none) but I decided I rather go to the hospital and be sent home than to have more fingers in my mouth at moment.  

Keith and I left the crazies with my mother and headed for the hospital.  I was still filled with anxiousness and trying to relax through the contractions.  I called my dearest friends, Jennifer and Dena, and told them if they wanted to be there – it was time.  I had not more doubts.  She was coming and I knew that I was completely unprepared. 

We got into a room quickly and the contractions kicked up a notch as I got in a gown and got on the bed.  I struggled to find a position that I felt work at all.  My anxiety level was climbing.  I knew the worse was yet to come and I was not in a place to be able to handle it well.   My incredible husband was helping me through each contraction and listening to me as I told him what did and did not help.   But still, I did not see how I was going to make it through the delivery any better than I had with Ryen.  Keith went to put on the Christian music I had wanted to listen to but I quickly told him that I did not want to hear it.   

About this time, they decided to put in an IV.  I have horrible veins that are hard to find, smallish and tend to roll.  As the nurses stuck the needle into my arm and continued to move it around, trying to find a vein, the anxiety got worse.  They pulled it out and stuck me again.  There was talk that maybe Dr. Wyatt would not care about the IV since it was a natural delivery.  Then they moved to my right arm.  It was at this moment, this moment of pure panic  - they were going to continue to stick, me, I was going to continue to labor with out any ability to relax and ride the waves of contractions that my gracious, loving God answered my prayers.

Upon rolling onto my back so that they could reach my right arm, I hit the position that just felt right.  Had they found the vein in my left arm, I might not have rolled over because the book suggested laying on that side as the best position – it was the way I always practiced.  But here I was, on my back and suddenly things seemed better.  Dr. Wyatt arrived (on his day off I might add) and confirmed that I did not need the IV so the poking stopped.  My anxiety started to drop.  My breathing began to even out. 

Then I heard the little voice.

Focus on Me.

I asked Keith to turn the music on and I suddenly slipped into some marvelous, God induced zone where I knew, I KNEW in my heart I would be able to deliver this baby in a way that would not be disappointing.  I lay, with my eyes closed, breathing through the ever-increasing contractions.  I could hear the strong, loving voice of Keith leading me through each wave.  I could feel the calming presence of Dr. Wyatt.  I knew, not far from my side, were my two dearest friends, ready to welcome my precious girl into the world.

But inside, where my eyes were closed, it was just me and Him.  He reminded me gently, through each contraction to keep my eyes focused on Him.  That each one would come to an end.  That each one, no matter how painful, had a purpose and they were bringing me closer to the end result.  He reminded me to live with the end in mind, this was all just temporary. 

Do not get me wrong, it hurt.  It hurt A LOT.  But I was not in the middle of it somehow.  I knew that if I kept my eyes on Him, if I trusted His promises that He would lead me through. 

Almost as quickly as it started, it was over and she was here!  We had left for the hospital around 5:30pm and she was delivered at 7:41pm.  It seems so short when I think about it in retrospect, because it was.  It was an answer to that prayer. 

As I lay in my hospital bed that night, unable to sleep from the adrenaline running through my body, I was in awe of how God had worked through the whole thing.  He took my anxious, fearful prayers and showed me that no matter what is going on, no matter how painful or overwhelming, if I look ONLY at Him – if I can keep my eyes focused solely upon Him, there is nothing I cannot get through.  But that is the trick, I have to only look at Him.  I cannot get side tracked by what people say is the “best” way to do something, or thrown off course by those painful pricks that come in life.  In some ways, doing this through labor was a lot easier than doing this in life.  I was able to keep my eyes closed and focused on Him through the delivery.  But here, now, in the real world, it is not very practical to run around with my eyes closed! 

And the best memory of that night?  Hearing the song “Jesus Paid It All” ringing through my mind as my precious daughter Macyn made her way into the world! 

There are not enough words to express the love I have for this precious new girl!  She is amazing and I will always be grateful for all that God has taught me through her pregnancy and delivery and I am excited to see how He will grow and stretch me through her life!!! 

38 weeks...

So here I am, 38 weeks!  Wow, this little one will be here any day now.  I have generally delivered about three days early and usually on a Friday (which I hate, seems like I waste the weekend that Keith would have been home anyways!) so that would put her coming on on Friday, march 18th.  Not a bad day, as Isaiah Wilson's birthday is that day...  the 19th would be fun too since that is cousin Anna's birthday.... Of course, the reality is I have NO CONTROL over this!  And I HATE that. 

The last 38 weeks have been one big lesson in giving up control, recognizing some deep seeded issues with pride and the need to seek our Father for EVERYTHING.  I am a slow learner and I fear the lessons are not fully absorbed...

This has been a trying pregnancy.  I will not say "hard" because there are people out there who are having truly hard pregnancies - bed rest, little support from a husband, no husband, the reality that their little one has little or no chance of survival...  those are issues that I am so grateful that I have not had to deal with.

With that being said though, the last 38 weeks have been long.  Probably pretty long for my husband and my sweet friends too.  But what I have learned is that God is faithful and His is good.

I never dealt with more than one icky issue at a time...  I was not throwing up WHILE I had horrible ligament pain, the ligament pain was gone when I got the horrible respiratory infection...... one issue would pass and another would come... and for that I am so grateful!

Every time I felt like I could not do what needed to be done, there was someone there to help me.  People brought us dinners, babysat for me, watched my children for appointment or a date with Keith...  there were just always people there to help!

When I was feeling overwhelmed with guilt that I had not been writing out my prayers for this sweet child as I had with all the others, God gently reminded me that we do not need to be legalistic about things and I started praying for her each time I felt her move instead.

I could go on and on...  But perhaps the biggest lesson has been about my pride.  I am a horribly prideful.  It is a huge issue.  Not only do I want others to think I have it all together but I can hardly function if I really do not have it all together.  I want my house to be clean and neat.  I want to make good food.  I want to look good all the time.  I want my children to behave well.  I want that Martha Stewart life...  and not just looking like that, I want it to BE that. It is not about putting on a false front for others to believe I was doing everything right, it is a deep seeded desire to do everything right.  I certainly do not want to be fake.  I want to have it all together and when I do not I struggle to cope.

As my housekeeping got worse and worse (especially in the last month) my life got worse and worse.  It was an assault on my sanity.  But there was nothing I could do about it.  I was struggling through an upper respiratory infection that was the worst I have ever had and Keith was out of town, A LOT.   I was using all my energy (and there was not much) to keep the children alive and fed.  I kept my blinds closed and cried, A LOT. 

I am tough, I thought I had it together.  How could one little baby and an illness throw me so far off my game?  And the worse it got, the harder it was for me to be the mother or the loving wife God called me to be.  And it all hit a peak one evening when Keith had a neighborhood association meeting.  We were trying to get the little ones to bed before he had to leave for the meeting - or so I thought.  Then I heard him downstairs vacuuming and I realized the meeting was at our house.  People, my neighbors were going to be in our house in about five minutes.  The floors were dirty, the tables covered in dust.  The playroom was a mess and the kitchen barely cleaned up from dinner.  I WAS MORTIFIED.  How could I have forgotten?  And as I tried to apologize to my neighbors for the mess, it struck my what a prideful person I am...  Keeping the blinds closed so others could not see my mess did not change the fact that the mess was there.  While it did hide the reality from others that I was slowly falling to pieces because I could not do it all, it did not change the reality that I was indeed falling to pieces.  The perfection I so desired was an impossible dream and everyone around me was suffering because I just could not grasp that. 

And the further I fell from perfection in one area, the further I fell in others.  The house was a disaster, so I was frustrated.  My patience waned and I took it out on the children.  My frustration with them increased because I saw them as part of the problem.  If they would just be neater, the house would not be falling to pieces and then I would feel more in control,  if they would just obey then I would not get so cranky, if they would just....  if they would just....  And the irony in this was all it did was draw me further from that "I got it all together mom" that I was trying to be.  I would yell or be short with them and then beat myself up mentally for hours after...  causing me to be even grumpier...  a viscous cycle...


But God is gentle and kind.  He loves me, even those prideful parts!  He used my incredible husband to speak truth into my heart.  He brought me to a place where I could see all that I was striving for was impossible.  He brought me to the foot of the cross, where all that "stuff" had already been paid for.

So 38 weeks.  I am feeling a lot better.  I am still congested.  I think if I had not had the last four weeks of horrible congestion this might feel bad but by comparison, this feels great.  I no longer just "want to get this over with".  Although I hate "not knowing" when Macyn will get here, I am content to wait for her and enjoy this time before she comes.

I do wish I had faced the last 37 weeks a little more valiantly, less whining, more seeking God.  But I also know that long before God planted this little baby in my womb, He knew that this would be a tough time for me.  He knew exactly how each day would go and yet He still chose to give me this gift...  So despite my desperate attempts for control, I will lean on Him and let Him lead the way!