My family traveled up to Rogers, AR over the Independence Day holiday this year. Keith and I decided to attend a church planted by our church on Sunday morning. After depositing the children in their respective classes, we settled in to worship and hear the message. It was on John 8: 1-11... Jesus and the adulteress woman. It was a good message. But there was nothing screaming out to me - no life changing take away. We enjoyed visiting the church and had a nice visit with my sister and her husband.
Flash forward one week. We are sitting in our own church, our children have been dropped off in their respective classes and I look down to see what the message will be about... to my surprise it is John 8: 1-11. REALLY? Now the church in NWA was doing a series on the Book of John, our church has been doing a series on the sayings and conversations of Jesus. The chances of these two churches preaching on the same message, on back to back weekends, when we would be attending both churches is pretty slim. Now, I always get chills when it is so clear and obvious that God has a particularly specific message for us but I just could not figure this out. I did not see myself sliding into this particular woman's sin. We sat a listened to the message and still I did not see it. Why, dear Lord, why, have we heard this passage preached to us two weeks in a row.
I prayed about it for another day before it came clear. The final line in the story - the last words of Jesus to this woman who was almost stoned to death. "Go, and sin no more"
Now some of the background I have heard on this particular passage was that, from the language, they can ascertain that this woman was not a one time offender. She was in the habit of committing adultery. It was her way of life. A habit she could not break? An addiction? So, after saving her life, Jesus say "Go, and sin no more."
He does not say "Go, and try to do better."
Or "Go, and do the best you can."
Or "Go, and don't worry about it if you sin again, I will be here to save you next time."
He said "Go and sin no more" SIN NO MORE.
She looked Him in the eyes & recognized Him as Savior. He forgave her and commanded her to stop it.
How many times do we decide to walk away from a sin and then after some time we find ourselves neck deep in it again, drowning in guilt that we have failed once more. This is NOT the life Jesus desires for us. He believes that we can walk FREE FROM SIN. If He did not believe that this woman could break free from her sin, He would not have said those words to her. He would have encouraged her with those other phrases. But the man who came to die for her, to die for us, knew that through Him, she/we could indeed live the abundant life here and now free from sin.
So, THAT is what it took me two weekends in a row to figure out. Not only am I forgiven from the sins I commit but through Christ, I have to power to walk away from the sins in my life that drag me down and stifle me with guilt!
"God is just as able to sanctify as He is to redeem us"
Stepping Heavenward
Let's not just live in the redemption but also in the joy of sanctification!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Quitting
I am quitting. Giving up. Failing. These are hard things for me to type. These are hard things for me to admit to myself. But I am. As of about an hour and a half ago I will no longer be trying to potty train my 3 year old. I know, I can feel the judgment as you read this. Other mothers are looking at me thinking - "what is WRONG with you? You can't potty train your little girl? Girls are the easiest! Loser". I am saying these things to myself. I am crying as I type this. But I know that it is the right thing. The right thing for me and more importantly the right thing for my daughter.
A year ago, I thought I had it going on. I was a prideful potty trainer. My boy was the easiest of easy to potty train. It took very little time or mental energy. Man, I am good! Evynn rolled around and we had some issues during the night with #2 but even that did not bother me so much because it was always in a pull up and easy to deal with. Strangely enough that cleared up completely right as Ryen was born. So for about six months we were zipping along with very few accidents and two children who went when they needed to go, who went when I told them to go. Man, I am good! I should offer a class! I could charge people for this! What is wrong with those people who struggle with this?
The haughty looks of man shall be brought low,and the lofty pride of men shall be humbled,and the LORD alone will be exalted in that day.
Isaiah 2:11
I was prideful. I will not deny it. And I have been humbled. HUMBLED. Around the beginning of December I decided to tackle child number 3. She was 2 1/2. The same age as my other success stories. She is smart and has a willing spirit. How hard could it be? Oh, if I had only known.
It is now July and she had three accidents in the course of two hours just this morning. One of them was pretty big. I took her to the bathroom 2 times in that same period. I will not bore you with all the details of the past seven months but let's just say we have tired EVERYTHING. We have had days and even a couple of weeks here and there that have been accident free but we always slip back into this. There never seems to be any long term progress. I have tried just about everything to bribe, persuade, discipline, ignore, tears, yelling....
To top it all off, child #2 who had been "successfully potty trained for over 8+ months" suddenly started having accidents - multiple accidents through out the day... days. My patience has worn thin and I am out of ideas. I am struggling to just hold it together in this area.
Then this week, two different friends saw their daughters end up in the hospital - one a precious new born baby and one a grown adult. And this morning, as I was at UAMS praying for one of them, I realized something needed to change and it was me. I have a short time with my amazing children - these wonderful gifts from God. Do I want to waste it yelling, guilting, scolding, them because they cannot... will not go in the potty at this juncture? I am certain neither will head off to college wearing Depends.
The storm of the two girls peeing themselves all the time has overwhelmed me. I am at a loss as to what to do and I feel like a failure. But I cannot let these circumstances change what God has called me to do. He has called me to get these children prepared for eternity (not just life here on earth but eternity - thank you for this thought, Wendy). I am certainly not representing a gracious God to these two children in this area and there is only one way to change that. I will divide and conquer. I know that Evynn is capable of doing this. So, I am going to put Kailyn in a pull up and stop worrying about her. I will no longer have to deal with the wet clothes and the tears on both our parts. I can go back to just loving on her and enjoying her for a while. I will focus on Evynn and get her back on track.
I am a failure. I can already imagine the looks that the other mothers will give me. But I know in my heart of hearts that this is the right thing to do. She will go in the potty consistently one of these days. For whatever reason, she is not ready now and I value my relationship with her too much to sacrifice it over wet underwear.
I am grateful for this lesson. Grateful to our Lord who knows that pride just keeps us from seeing the good in others; pride just keeps us from helping and being helped; pride is a wall that separates us from true community with others and destroys those who are stuck behind that wall with us. I am so sorry to my children who have suffered due to my pride. I am grateful for this lesson now and the time I have to change and be changed by a Savior who loves me!
A year ago, I thought I had it going on. I was a prideful potty trainer. My boy was the easiest of easy to potty train. It took very little time or mental energy. Man, I am good! Evynn rolled around and we had some issues during the night with #2 but even that did not bother me so much because it was always in a pull up and easy to deal with. Strangely enough that cleared up completely right as Ryen was born. So for about six months we were zipping along with very few accidents and two children who went when they needed to go, who went when I told them to go. Man, I am good! I should offer a class! I could charge people for this! What is wrong with those people who struggle with this?
The haughty looks of man shall be brought low,and the lofty pride of men shall be humbled,and the LORD alone will be exalted in that day.
Isaiah 2:11
I was prideful. I will not deny it. And I have been humbled. HUMBLED. Around the beginning of December I decided to tackle child number 3. She was 2 1/2. The same age as my other success stories. She is smart and has a willing spirit. How hard could it be? Oh, if I had only known.
It is now July and she had three accidents in the course of two hours just this morning. One of them was pretty big. I took her to the bathroom 2 times in that same period. I will not bore you with all the details of the past seven months but let's just say we have tired EVERYTHING. We have had days and even a couple of weeks here and there that have been accident free but we always slip back into this. There never seems to be any long term progress. I have tried just about everything to bribe, persuade, discipline, ignore, tears, yelling....
To top it all off, child #2 who had been "successfully potty trained for over 8+ months" suddenly started having accidents - multiple accidents through out the day... days. My patience has worn thin and I am out of ideas. I am struggling to just hold it together in this area.
Then this week, two different friends saw their daughters end up in the hospital - one a precious new born baby and one a grown adult. And this morning, as I was at UAMS praying for one of them, I realized something needed to change and it was me. I have a short time with my amazing children - these wonderful gifts from God. Do I want to waste it yelling, guilting, scolding, them because they cannot... will not go in the potty at this juncture? I am certain neither will head off to college wearing Depends.
The storm of the two girls peeing themselves all the time has overwhelmed me. I am at a loss as to what to do and I feel like a failure. But I cannot let these circumstances change what God has called me to do. He has called me to get these children prepared for eternity (not just life here on earth but eternity - thank you for this thought, Wendy). I am certainly not representing a gracious God to these two children in this area and there is only one way to change that. I will divide and conquer. I know that Evynn is capable of doing this. So, I am going to put Kailyn in a pull up and stop worrying about her. I will no longer have to deal with the wet clothes and the tears on both our parts. I can go back to just loving on her and enjoying her for a while. I will focus on Evynn and get her back on track.
I am a failure. I can already imagine the looks that the other mothers will give me. But I know in my heart of hearts that this is the right thing to do. She will go in the potty consistently one of these days. For whatever reason, she is not ready now and I value my relationship with her too much to sacrifice it over wet underwear.
I am grateful for this lesson. Grateful to our Lord who knows that pride just keeps us from seeing the good in others; pride just keeps us from helping and being helped; pride is a wall that separates us from true community with others and destroys those who are stuck behind that wall with us. I am so sorry to my children who have suffered due to my pride. I am grateful for this lesson now and the time I have to change and be changed by a Savior who loves me!
Monday, June 28, 2010
Two posts in one day... so unlike me... however I have been thinking a lot about the post I did early this morning and wanted to expand upon it... If you have not read that, you might look at it first.
I spoke of a path - one rocky and one that looked rather easy. I spoke about having to choose between the two. I realized later that it goes a bit deeper than this. Almost ten years ago I was at a crossroads. I had been on a path that was horrible. It was filled with heartache and pain. There was no peace. Then I got to the crossroads. That new path was the one Christ offered. It was uphill and rocky, it did not look easy at all, from the point I was at, it looked very hard - losing friends, walking away from my entire life - but it was worth it because I could see so clearly that Christ would be leading me and I could still taste the bitterness of the life without Him at the head.
My 20s were hard. They were sad. I will certainly NEVER look back and think "those were the best years of my life". The choice to pick up my cross and follow Christ was an easy one once I fully understood it. Dieing to self was not hard as there was not much I liked about my life. I came to Christ not long before I turned 29. I got married at 30 and started a whole new life. The good life. I had (and still have) an incredible husband, developed amazing friendships and experienced earthly security in a way I never had before. And somewhere along the way, I took a wrong turn. I got caught up in seeking the good life and not the Abundant life. And here is another thing I have realized, the more we expereince the good life, the harder it is to seek after the Abundant life. I mean really. When I was on my knees crying out to Christ at 28, my life was a wasteland of shallow, unsatistifactory stuff. Giving up THAT to follow Christ was not so hard. But now, my life is filled with so much that matters. The thought of losing all this to follow Christ terrifies me!
Here is how I think satan has worked in my life over the past few years.... Things have gone well for me, for my family. I am so grateful for ALL that we have. But as I have gotten more, I have sought God less. I have gotten caught up in the day to day of living. Then, in seeking God less, I begin to think it is up to me to control what happens. So, when I first came to Christ, I was walking up that path holding the cross on my back, now I slide it down and try to drag it with one hand while I hold on to all these things that matter so much to me. I get tired... we are not meant to carry heavy loads with just one hand, dragging behind us. I seek God less. I seek more control. I grab more stuff to hold on to. It is a cycle that continues and continues to drag me down and wear me out. Where is this ABUNDANT life that was promised to me? And just when I begin to doubt that this is worth it... there is that path... that clear, easy path.
I have been on that path. I know the truth of what lies beyond the easy opening. It is dark and hopeless.
God is so good. He has promised us the Abundant life and it is real. I have lived it. But we need to remember, the Abundant life is not the good life. It is not about things or even people. It is not about our circumstances or being in control. It is about living as one with Christ. It is about being consumed by the Holy Spirit and living in a way that brings glory to God. That is the only thing that will bring true satisfaction and peace.
I spoke of a path - one rocky and one that looked rather easy. I spoke about having to choose between the two. I realized later that it goes a bit deeper than this. Almost ten years ago I was at a crossroads. I had been on a path that was horrible. It was filled with heartache and pain. There was no peace. Then I got to the crossroads. That new path was the one Christ offered. It was uphill and rocky, it did not look easy at all, from the point I was at, it looked very hard - losing friends, walking away from my entire life - but it was worth it because I could see so clearly that Christ would be leading me and I could still taste the bitterness of the life without Him at the head.
My 20s were hard. They were sad. I will certainly NEVER look back and think "those were the best years of my life". The choice to pick up my cross and follow Christ was an easy one once I fully understood it. Dieing to self was not hard as there was not much I liked about my life. I came to Christ not long before I turned 29. I got married at 30 and started a whole new life. The good life. I had (and still have) an incredible husband, developed amazing friendships and experienced earthly security in a way I never had before. And somewhere along the way, I took a wrong turn. I got caught up in seeking the good life and not the Abundant life. And here is another thing I have realized, the more we expereince the good life, the harder it is to seek after the Abundant life. I mean really. When I was on my knees crying out to Christ at 28, my life was a wasteland of shallow, unsatistifactory stuff. Giving up THAT to follow Christ was not so hard. But now, my life is filled with so much that matters. The thought of losing all this to follow Christ terrifies me!
Here is how I think satan has worked in my life over the past few years.... Things have gone well for me, for my family. I am so grateful for ALL that we have. But as I have gotten more, I have sought God less. I have gotten caught up in the day to day of living. Then, in seeking God less, I begin to think it is up to me to control what happens. So, when I first came to Christ, I was walking up that path holding the cross on my back, now I slide it down and try to drag it with one hand while I hold on to all these things that matter so much to me. I get tired... we are not meant to carry heavy loads with just one hand, dragging behind us. I seek God less. I seek more control. I grab more stuff to hold on to. It is a cycle that continues and continues to drag me down and wear me out. Where is this ABUNDANT life that was promised to me? And just when I begin to doubt that this is worth it... there is that path... that clear, easy path.
I have been on that path. I know the truth of what lies beyond the easy opening. It is dark and hopeless.
God is so good. He has promised us the Abundant life and it is real. I have lived it. But we need to remember, the Abundant life is not the good life. It is not about things or even people. It is not about our circumstances or being in control. It is about living as one with Christ. It is about being consumed by the Holy Spirit and living in a way that brings glory to God. That is the only thing that will bring true satisfaction and peace.
Last week I posted a facebook status that I felt our family was at a crossroad and I was wondering which way to go. there were a couple people who were curious and I am going to atempt to work though it here. First, I think there is the way God desires us to go and they I think there is the way that looks easier. As I stand at the crossroads - I see one path is straight uphill. The path is not at all smooth. It does not seem to lead anywhere and looks to be dangerous. The path looks smooth and simple. So I was thinking, praying about which path to take.
I do so love when God answers your questions so clearly that there is no doubt that path He has chosen. Yesterday, at church, one of our teaching pastors gave one of the best messages I have heard in a long time (and our teachers give good messages every Sunday, this one was just over the top). He was talking about Matthew 10"34-39. It is all about losing ourselves for Christ.... mother against daughter, father against son, pick up your cross and follow Christ....
Christ starts out this passage saying He did not come to bring peace but the sword. I spent a large part of my early life as a Christian praying for peace and I was blessed with it. But I have found lately that it has been lacking in my life again. One of the things that our pastor spoke of yesterday is that peace ONLY comes after battling through sin and when Christ refers to bringing the sword what does He mean? The word of God of course. Head over to Ephesians 6 and check out the armour of God - the sword is the word. Christ has come to bring the sword to eliminate sin - we must battle through that sin to have peace with God. And to battle through that sin, I must be spending more time int he word than I have been.
I feel my foot taking a step towards that rocky path.
This passage also speaks of throwing down our lives and picking up our cross to follow Christ. As I thought about my life, a vision came to me. I HAVE picked up the cross. But I am currently just dragging it behind me. My arms are filled with all the things of this life I do not want to let go of... anger, greed, trust, control.... my arms are filled and so I cannot carry the cross like I should. I am gripping it with one had dragging it behind me and I AM TIRED! I wonder how many other Christians find this life tiring? We do not understand that in order to live the abundant life NOW we have to get rid of all that other stuff. How much easier would it be, if we would throw down the things of this world, hike that cross up onto our back in a way that will be easier to bare the weight and get moving?
Christ has promised us the abundant life NOW. But so many of us miss it because we are struggling for control. We do love Christ, we understand (on a human level) what He has done for us and we want what He promises. We just cannot let go of the things of this world. Satan whispers to us that if we stop watching those TV shows, life will be dull. That of we do not have that new stuff we will be unsatisfied. That if our children act out, we are failures as mothers. That if we do not have control of every outcome things will turn out badly. He lies to me that I CAN control every outcome, if I just yell enough.
But here is the thing - we CANNOT carry the cross as long as we are holding on to all these other things. We cannot choose to do things that offend our Savior and then expect Him to bless us with the abundant life. And here is the other thing that our pastor spoke of yesterday - carrying the cross was not some promise for good times as we humans understand it. When He told the disciples to carry the cross, He was promising them humiliation, immense struggle and most likely a horrible death (that is what the connotations of carrying the cross meant back then). And yet I speak of abundant life. Why? Because He said carry the cross and "follow me". It is walking with Christ that we experience the abundant life. Regardless of our circumstances, when we walk with Christ we will have that peace, that joy.
I have allowed fear to keep me from walking up that path - fear of what my life will look like, fear of losing control. I have allowed my circumstances to let me believe lies. Regardless of what is going on around me - when I throw down fear and pick up my cross, Christ is in front of me. The path may be difficult but Christ goes first showing me the way.
I do so love when God answers your questions so clearly that there is no doubt that path He has chosen. Yesterday, at church, one of our teaching pastors gave one of the best messages I have heard in a long time (and our teachers give good messages every Sunday, this one was just over the top). He was talking about Matthew 10"34-39. It is all about losing ourselves for Christ.... mother against daughter, father against son, pick up your cross and follow Christ....
Christ starts out this passage saying He did not come to bring peace but the sword. I spent a large part of my early life as a Christian praying for peace and I was blessed with it. But I have found lately that it has been lacking in my life again. One of the things that our pastor spoke of yesterday is that peace ONLY comes after battling through sin and when Christ refers to bringing the sword what does He mean? The word of God of course. Head over to Ephesians 6 and check out the armour of God - the sword is the word. Christ has come to bring the sword to eliminate sin - we must battle through that sin to have peace with God. And to battle through that sin, I must be spending more time int he word than I have been.
I feel my foot taking a step towards that rocky path.
This passage also speaks of throwing down our lives and picking up our cross to follow Christ. As I thought about my life, a vision came to me. I HAVE picked up the cross. But I am currently just dragging it behind me. My arms are filled with all the things of this life I do not want to let go of... anger, greed, trust, control.... my arms are filled and so I cannot carry the cross like I should. I am gripping it with one had dragging it behind me and I AM TIRED! I wonder how many other Christians find this life tiring? We do not understand that in order to live the abundant life NOW we have to get rid of all that other stuff. How much easier would it be, if we would throw down the things of this world, hike that cross up onto our back in a way that will be easier to bare the weight and get moving?
Christ has promised us the abundant life NOW. But so many of us miss it because we are struggling for control. We do love Christ, we understand (on a human level) what He has done for us and we want what He promises. We just cannot let go of the things of this world. Satan whispers to us that if we stop watching those TV shows, life will be dull. That of we do not have that new stuff we will be unsatisfied. That if our children act out, we are failures as mothers. That if we do not have control of every outcome things will turn out badly. He lies to me that I CAN control every outcome, if I just yell enough.
But here is the thing - we CANNOT carry the cross as long as we are holding on to all these other things. We cannot choose to do things that offend our Savior and then expect Him to bless us with the abundant life. And here is the other thing that our pastor spoke of yesterday - carrying the cross was not some promise for good times as we humans understand it. When He told the disciples to carry the cross, He was promising them humiliation, immense struggle and most likely a horrible death (that is what the connotations of carrying the cross meant back then). And yet I speak of abundant life. Why? Because He said carry the cross and "follow me". It is walking with Christ that we experience the abundant life. Regardless of our circumstances, when we walk with Christ we will have that peace, that joy.
I have allowed fear to keep me from walking up that path - fear of what my life will look like, fear of losing control. I have allowed my circumstances to let me believe lies. Regardless of what is going on around me - when I throw down fear and pick up my cross, Christ is in front of me. The path may be difficult but Christ goes first showing me the way.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Press into Jesus
Last night, after bath, we let our little ones stay up to watch a cartoon. After much debate and compromise, they agreed upon Monsters Inc. They have all seen it several times but it was what Kailyn wanted to watch and she was not budging. It is hard to compromise with a three year old. Keith and I were in the kitchen struggling through our vacation plans (a trip out to So Cal to see my family that may never get completely planned... arrrgggg). After a while of moving watching, Kailyn came staggering into the room, crying and shaking. I quickly picked her up and asked what was wrong... thinking she had fallen off the couch... or been hit by someone bigger and older.... but she quickly said the movie was too scary. I avoided the temptation to say "You picked it... you insisted on it... you have seen it at least three times..." and simply cuddled her into my arms. She really was shaking. I do not know why it had scared her so much this time. Maybe it was that when they has sat down to watch the movie it was still light out but the sun had quickly dropped past the horizon and the room was dark. Maybe she had just never really watched the movie before. Maybe it was the surround sound (they usually watch on the smaller TV without the fancy sound system). Whatever the reason behind the fear, she was scared and so I held her.
As my arms encircled her and I wiped away her tears, speaking sweet words in her ear, I could feel her body press into mine. Settling in, knowing she was safe now. I wrapped my arms tighter and thought about how we all need to press into Jesus. When times are hard, or scary; when it gets dark and everything looks different than it did just a short time before - we need to cuddle up and press into our Savior. He will always take us up, wipe away our tears and whisper comfort into our ear.
It did not take Kailyn long to recover and she spent the remainder of the movie enjoying mommy and daddy to herself. What a sweet, precious child we have been blessed with!
As my arms encircled her and I wiped away her tears, speaking sweet words in her ear, I could feel her body press into mine. Settling in, knowing she was safe now. I wrapped my arms tighter and thought about how we all need to press into Jesus. When times are hard, or scary; when it gets dark and everything looks different than it did just a short time before - we need to cuddle up and press into our Savior. He will always take us up, wipe away our tears and whisper comfort into our ear.
It did not take Kailyn long to recover and she spent the remainder of the movie enjoying mommy and daddy to herself. What a sweet, precious child we have been blessed with!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
The concept of modesty has been on my heart a lot lately. I have always wanted to be a stylish girl and I think that there have been times when I have succeeded in this. There were times (before I was a believer and before I decided to keep ten extra pounds as a reminder of each precious baby) that I was pretty far off the road of modesty. I had a "nice" body and I wanted everyone to notice.
There have even been times since giving my life to Christ that I would "show off my goodies" and tell myself that I was actually doing a good thing because nonbelievers would see that you did not have to dress like Laura Ingalls in order to love the Lord. I thought it might draw in nonbelievers. Please know that I am laughing at myself as I type this.
But I have traveled a little further along the journey now and I see that there is something to be said about modesty.
My husband is doing a Bible/book study with a group of men one morning a week and recently the topic was lust. Men are visual creatures and the discussion circled around how they can protect themselves from this sin. The man leading the group shared his philosophy. It really opened my eyes to some things so I will paraphrase it here:
"I tell myself that I am fasting every day. I do not allow myself to look at other women. I do not let my eyes linger, even for a moment. I am fasting for my wife. Then when I get home and we are alone, my fast is over and I can feast on the bounty the Lord has provided for me. My wife was a little taken aback the first time I feasted visually on her as she got undressed but once I explained to her where my thought process was, she embraced it and now enjoys it."
So find me a woman who would not LOVE to know her husband fasts all day. I am blessed to have a husband just like this. He is excited to see me and what the Lord has provided in me every day. But then I started thinking.... am I letting other men "feast" on me throughout the day? Am I dressing in a way that provides men with the chance to think lustful thoughts? And if my husband is fasting all day - decided to not look at other women- should I be dressing in a way that is lust inducing?
The answers to these questions were pretty clear. If Keith can abstain from looking at women, surely I can find a way to dress that does not draw men to look at me and think of sex. But what is that way?
Do I need to dress like Laura Ingalls? That certainly does not call out to me. I do NOT in any way think there is anything wrong with that. However, I can honestly say that as a nonbeliever, it would have been hard for me to see my life as a Christian if it meant dressing in a long skirt and a pinafore. I have friends who dress this way and it works for them. I think it is great but am not really thinking this is the road for me.
Does it mean that I need to wear skirts and dresses all the time?
Some of the questions I had a while back are not so troublesome for me these days as certain styles do not look good on me (see previous comment about the ten extra pounds from each baby!!!) but they are all things that are on my heart, especially as I raise a son and three daughters.
One thing I do know though, is that it is not just a man's job to avoid lustful thoughts, it is our job as women to dress in a way that helps them out. Think about it like a present...
You get a gift that is so poorly wrapped that you can see clearly what is underneath the wrapping paper - you are happy to get the gift but there is really no excitement or anticipation as to what is inside. You already know what you are getting.
You get a gift that is completely wrapped up - not only are you excited to get the gift, but you get to have those few minutes of anticipation, what is inside? And then opening it is so much fun!
I have not answered all my questions here as of yet. I do not know what this "modest style" God is calling me to will look like but I do know that I have a responsibility to God and my husband to dress in a way that honor them both!
There have even been times since giving my life to Christ that I would "show off my goodies" and tell myself that I was actually doing a good thing because nonbelievers would see that you did not have to dress like Laura Ingalls in order to love the Lord. I thought it might draw in nonbelievers. Please know that I am laughing at myself as I type this.
But I have traveled a little further along the journey now and I see that there is something to be said about modesty.
My husband is doing a Bible/book study with a group of men one morning a week and recently the topic was lust. Men are visual creatures and the discussion circled around how they can protect themselves from this sin. The man leading the group shared his philosophy. It really opened my eyes to some things so I will paraphrase it here:
"I tell myself that I am fasting every day. I do not allow myself to look at other women. I do not let my eyes linger, even for a moment. I am fasting for my wife. Then when I get home and we are alone, my fast is over and I can feast on the bounty the Lord has provided for me. My wife was a little taken aback the first time I feasted visually on her as she got undressed but once I explained to her where my thought process was, she embraced it and now enjoys it."
So find me a woman who would not LOVE to know her husband fasts all day. I am blessed to have a husband just like this. He is excited to see me and what the Lord has provided in me every day. But then I started thinking.... am I letting other men "feast" on me throughout the day? Am I dressing in a way that provides men with the chance to think lustful thoughts? And if my husband is fasting all day - decided to not look at other women- should I be dressing in a way that is lust inducing?
The answers to these questions were pretty clear. If Keith can abstain from looking at women, surely I can find a way to dress that does not draw men to look at me and think of sex. But what is that way?
Do I need to dress like Laura Ingalls? That certainly does not call out to me. I do NOT in any way think there is anything wrong with that. However, I can honestly say that as a nonbeliever, it would have been hard for me to see my life as a Christian if it meant dressing in a long skirt and a pinafore. I have friends who dress this way and it works for them. I think it is great but am not really thinking this is the road for me.
Does it mean that I need to wear skirts and dresses all the time?
Some of the questions I had a while back are not so troublesome for me these days as certain styles do not look good on me (see previous comment about the ten extra pounds from each baby!!!) but they are all things that are on my heart, especially as I raise a son and three daughters.
One thing I do know though, is that it is not just a man's job to avoid lustful thoughts, it is our job as women to dress in a way that helps them out. Think about it like a present...
You get a gift that is so poorly wrapped that you can see clearly what is underneath the wrapping paper - you are happy to get the gift but there is really no excitement or anticipation as to what is inside. You already know what you are getting.
You get a gift that is completely wrapped up - not only are you excited to get the gift, but you get to have those few minutes of anticipation, what is inside? And then opening it is so much fun!
I have not answered all my questions here as of yet. I do not know what this "modest style" God is calling me to will look like but I do know that I have a responsibility to God and my husband to dress in a way that honor them both!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Healing Begins (a song by Tenth Avenue North)
So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside
So I was pregnant, just a few days ago, I had a tiny baby inside my tummy. We called her Hazelnut. We call all our babies by nut names before we know if they are boys or girls. Peanut, Cashew, Pecan, Almond… Hazelnut seemed a little gangly for a little baby but really, we were running out of nut names and Brazil or macadamia seemed worse. I called Keith in Hong Kong and told him he was going to be a daddy again. I could practically see him smiling through the phone.
So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We’re here now… now I am not pregnant.
This is where the healing begins
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark
This is where the healing begins
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark
Baby Hazelnut is gone. She went without much fuss. I use “she” because Keith & I decided that Hazelnut is kind of a girly sounding nut and since we will not know the whole boy or girl thing until we get to heaven, we will just think she was a girl. It is our prerogative, after all. I really am doing all right with the whole thing. I truly have a peace about it. I know that something was not right. I know that God has plans and this precious life that never made it into my arms will do great things for His kingdom just as I pray all my other children will. But every once and a while a sadness creeps up on me. A sadness that lies deeper than baby Hazelnut.
Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear
Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear
Today, in the silence of naptime the thought finally took shape. I gave Him back one, He took back one.
So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
So there it is. I do not have one child in heaven waiting to meet me. I have two. The one I wanted and the one that I gave back. The one that came out of a nightmare that I could not keep. They both wait for me.
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now
I am here now. I am truly at peace with Hazelnut going to be with Jesus and I anticipate that day when I will hold her for the first time. I do not believe this is some sort of punishment. That is not my God. But the death of baby Hazelnut has brought to my heart the death of that other sweet baby. That baby who never got a cute, nutty name. That baby whose second pink line was not celebrated. That baby is on my heart.
Oh This is where the healing begins
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark
Oh This is where the healing begins
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark… The light of the joy of baby Hazelnut meets the dark of that other baby. This IS where the healing begins. Healing from the loss of baby Hazelnut but really healing from the loss of that other precious baby. And that healing really starts in the form of forgiveness.
Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us
Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us
His blood can cover us. His blood DOES cover us. We just have to accept it. I am forgiven. I just have to allow that forgiveness to settle into the deep recesses of my heart. I must allow the light of forgiveness to fill those recesses. The dark places that I kept hidden until baby Hazelnut came and then went back to heaven. I need to know that other precious baby sits in heaven and sees my heart, knows where I was when I made that horrific decision and knows that I regret it every single day. I need to know that baby Hazelnut and that other precious baby sit together now, along side our incredible Savior, waiting for when they can meet me face to face.
This is where the healing begins
This is where the healing starts
Come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark
This is where the healing begins
This is where the healing starts
Come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark
This is WHERE the healing begins. I can feel it seep through my heart, even as I type this. I am not overwhelmed with sadness, I am saturated in peace. I know there will be some days of tears ahead. But it is the tears that make the good times taste even sweeter. God is good and He is with me.
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